Balancing Tolerance and Boundaries

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. (Brené Brown) 

Having gone through two very tough years and a few weeks of hell, I had one concern during a business meeting: not losing my tolerance.

Having followed through with all tasks and responsibilities without making any allowances for how I was or what was going on in my life, I feared I might lose tolerance for others and expect them to have no excuses or to push themselves  equally hard. Which seemed to me unfair on them to some extent.

But – there is a ‘but’ here – the question came: what about boundaries? Again, a matter of balance: being tolerant and at the same time keeping boundaries.

It is essential that we keep boundaries – of roles, responsibilities, what is expected and what is accepted – within this tolerance. Otherwise there is an abuse : of patience, of understanding, of compassion, of love.

This week is about the balance between tolerance and boundaries, honoring my values of respect, integrity and fairness.

Getting over the Drama

A couple of weeks ago, I asked a friend to stop me if I start talking about any life dramas. 

“It's not drama”, she said referring to a specific situation. “It's an outrageous situation you are in”, she added. 

It didn't matter. I was very much preoccupied and influenced by Lisa' s latest blog post. And I decided to stop any negative narrative, justified or not. 

Of course we need to be able to express and not repress our stories. bad or good. We need to receive empathy and understanding, or just vent. We need to articulate a situation if our goal is to find a way out. We must learn to express our feelings and emotions and the things that frustrate us. 

So, there must be a reason for us to tell the story and here is my point: why am I sharing this story?

What is the reason I narrate my 'drama'? What is the purpose of telling this story? And how many times do I need to do that?

My request to my friend was very simple: “Next time you hear me talk about this again, stop me and ask these two questions: ‘What can be done?’ and ‘What will you do?’”

I think that in most situations, in most dramas in our life, there is always something that can be done. The question here, in this post, is how we use our story. Does it become our past, an experience, a lesson, something that teaches us how to navigate through it, or does it become who we are and what ultimately defines how we show up in our lives?

The choice is ours.

What Is Fear and How to Overcome It

What is Fear? 

An unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm:

1. A feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety of someone;
2. The likelihood of something unwelcome happening;

3. A mixed feeling of dread and reverence.

Fear is a series of reactions in the brain triggered by a stressful stimulus and ending with such physical reactions as tense muscles, rapid heartbeat and rushed breathing. This is the well-known fight, flight or freeze response.

Fear, triggered by the amygdala, is one of nature’s earliest survival mechanisms. During the early beginnings of life, nature developed the amygdalae as special purpose organs in the brain to remember and respond to danger signals.

What was purposed to help us survive, now has become a mechanism that often prevent us from living.

The most common acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real and some of its side effects are:

-  Indecisiveness that results in stagnation

-  Anxiety and stress

-  Resistance to change

-  Lack of self-confidence

-  Life becomes centered on pessimism

-  Errors in judgement

-  Fight, flight, or freeze reactions

-  Doubt

-  Anger

-  Hate

How to overcome fear?

Although we assume it would be hard to break free from fear, it is not.

Here are some ideas and steps to help us overcome fear:

• Acknowledge it. Name the fear, write it down, measure it.
• Get control of your imagination. Visualize yourself in the situation you are dreading, but this time see yourself calm, confident and composed.
• Breathe. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath and slowly breathe out.

The above will kickstart your thinking brain (neocortex). Once you start with these steps, the next ones will be easier:

• Don’t believe your thoughts. Challenge your assumptions and the false evidences that appear real.
• Make a list of the benefits you or others will get once you face your fear.
• Disengage from the outcome.
• Make a list of your strengths.
• Release control.
• Be comfortable with the unknown, the new, and the uncomfortable.
• Get busy. Focus on what needs to be done, just do it and focus your attention and energy on that.
• Exercise! (Yes, it does have a positive effect on fear too.)
• Expose yourself to your fear(s).
• Replace fear with curiosity and fun.
• Get a coach.

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it." (Jiddu Krishnamurti)

Anger vs Passion

As my colleague Deah Curry pointed out in this recent post, we confuse anger and passion. I think it is safe to say we can observe two main confusions – assumptions:

Other people’ assumptions:

“My passion and energy get mistaken for anger.” Gary Oldman

Our own assumptions:

I mistake my anger for passion.

We cannot control other people’s assumptions, but we can work on our own assumptions. Being mindful of what it is we are experiencing and consciously choosing what we feed and how can have a significant impact on our life. 

The Lure and Logic of Outrage

Photo credit: Mark-Chadwick ©2010-2014

Guest blog post by Deah Curry PhD

Last Monday I had a moment that lasted the whole day long, and seeped a little bit into Tuesday, like a greedy thief of my normally rational mind. 

I didn’t like it. It was not a happy sunshine and champagne kind of moment.  No, it was a shock, outrage, and despair moment.

The cause of this perturbation is not really important. What mattered was how I reacted, how caught up I got, how my own ugly dark side got fueled, and how it grew within me a scary desire to lash out and hurt everyone I perceived to be even remotely associated with the cause.

Ugh. Not my finest moment, to be sure.

No, on that day I was an inspiration to no one, much less a help, nor a model of sanity or critical thinking.  I was far from an example of spiritual compassion.  I had failed to walk the path of higher Truth and Wisdom.  Not that I don’t fail that ideal a little bit on other days, too, but this was a major detour.

On that day, I was one with the ranters. It was an angry but impotent experience. How exhausting it must be to be in rant mode all the time, I thought for an instant as I took a breather tea break. And then another trigger came by, luring me back into my indignant – as in, lacking dignity – and outraged energy and off I went, chasing a virtual boogeyman across the social minefields of cyberspace.

Why am I sharing this with you?  

Well I learned a few things that may be worth contemplating, on a calm day, with a logical mind and nice glass of lemonade, and a cookie.

First, no matter who you are or where you are in life, there will be moments of outrage that sneak up on you. They may be well justified, or not, but that’s not what matters.  What matters is whether you can feel the outrage and retain at least a smidgen of capacity for self-reflection, because without the ability to observe yourself even when wearing the dark uglies of indignation, you aren’t learning and growing.

Second, anger is easily fueled but not so easily harnessed for empowered social change, or channeled into personally productive, constructive, problem-solving solutions. And we too often confuse anger and passion.

This moment of mine coached me on the difference – anger is exhausting, I realized from the depth of cellular knowing. And it makes me feel bad about everything.  Passion is energizing, and increases opportunities for inspiring sunshine and champagne moments.

I want more of those.

Is What You Are Doing Serving You?

Is what you are doing serving you?   

By serving you I mean does it bring you closer to your goal?

Is it congruent with your commitment to self-care? 

Does it support your growth, learning, and development?

Is it pulling you forward or is it pushing you back?

Does it feed any of your insecurities, fears, undesired beliefs and feelings?

Does it make you feel better and be better? 

If yes, good. Go on, keep doing it.

If not, stop. 

Fighting Inertia

A friend asked me just a moment ago, why someone who is not satisfied with a situation doesn’t do anything about it.

He himself is feeling frustrated and stressed about something specific in his life. He knows exactly what he wants to change, he has a very concrete image of what he wants to achieve, yet he does nothing for it.

“Why is that?” he asked me.

Our change starts the moment we bravely face the situation and acknowledge the problem. That is always the first step. So, from that perspective, he is doing something.

The second step is done when we reach out to a professional who we know can help us.

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, says a Buddhist proverb.

That’s when we make a decision to work consciously on what we want to achieve – our third step – and we are able to recognize our “teacher”; the person who will accompany us on our journey of change.

Sometimes, the "why" my friend asked may be hiding in many different reasons:

• A structure that we are missing (aka the right professional)
• A commitment from our side (our decision)
• A underlying belief that is supported by the current situation
• A fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar
• A lack of connection with a vision

All of the above increase our self doubt and lack of confidence and the voice of the inner critic – this saboteur inside our head – becomes louder; we create excuses, we rationalize so many things to support our inertia; our frustration, even our stress levels increase (my friend suffers from stress). Depending on the levels of stress and distrust in ourselves, our decision-making ability is affected and we dive deeper into this vicious circle.

How to get rid of this circle?

Acknowledge the situation, make a decision, find the right person to help you, create a plan, enjoy your change. 

Getting Better with Active Questions

During a presentation with the title “Why We Don’t Do What We Know We Should Do: and How We Can Improve Our Odds on Getting Better!” at the WBECS, Marshall Goldsmith shared six active questions:

Did I do my best to:

1. Set clear goals?
2. Make progress toward goal achievement?
3. Build positive relationships?
4. Be happy?
5. Find meaning?
6. Be fully engaged?

Such active questions encourage people to think about what they can do to take responsibility for a situation.

If you were going to create your own list of six active questions to improve your odds on getting better, what would these questions be? 

Atonement

Today’s (second) post is about atonement.

Try as we might, the fact is we are human and we cannot be perfect. There will be something we did or did not do, something we said, a mistake we made or a post we missed.

The most effective steps to deal with them is to:

1. Take responsibility
2. Apologize 
3. Make amends
4. Forgive ourselves
5. Move on

Learning the lesson and making sure we do not repeat them is usually optional. 

Note: a common omission and mistake is to skip the very important step 3. Don't. 

About Control

I think my greatest achievement these past months has been learning these two lessons:

1. "You can change only what people know, not what they do." (Scott Adams)
2. "Your brain shall be your servant instead of your master. You will rule it instead of allowing it to rule you." (Charles E. Popplestone)

Recharge!

In physics, the law of conservation of energy states that the total energy of an isolated system cannot change – it is said to be conserved over time. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; it can only be transformed from one state to another.

"Energy" being defined as the capacity for doing work, we can further specify it for humans as the ability to be active; the physical or mental strength that allows us to do things.

Given that we are not isolated systems, our total amount of energy does not remain constant over time. Unless we recharge.

Every day we work, we do activities and things that drain us. We can eat, drink and sleep to recharge. Is it enough? In our own individual circle of energy, how do we make sure we have recovered the energy we transformed into work every day? How do we make sure our energy flows effortlessly?

Here are some ideas that help me recharge and hopefully can help you too:

·   Go for a walk or hike

·   Meditate

·   Prepare a favorite meal

·   Spend time around water

·   Have quiet time

·   Exercise

·   Speak your mind

·   Read something new

·   Keep exploring

·   Unplug

·   Buy flowers

·   Gardening

·   Rev up your playlist

·   Hang out with happy people

·   Hang out with children

·   Step into the sunshine

·   Make art

·   Laugh

·   Breathe

What would you like to add to the list? 

Everything in Moderation

These two magnets and their messages have been decorating my refrigerator these past years, serving as daily reminders (plus I like the colors). There is only a slight variation to the first one, in my head, replacing “expect” with “do”. I frequently follow these messages with no sense of boundaries.

Looking at them today, I realized that these two messages have also become my worst advisors. I have been constantly neglecting the main reminder I keep at the bottom right side of my desktop: a scale!

As an activator, I tend to forget to pause, to keep my balance, to recognize that there are limits and they have to do with self-care. Spending the entire day in bed yesterday due to illness was the perfect opportunity to see these magnets through different eyes today. I didn’t draw that scale (action - pause) five years ago randomly. It was part of a power tool I was creating to use with my clients and which I very much needed four years ago when I suffered a burnout. Hence I stuck it where I would be able to see it constantly.

Yes, I do, risk, care and dream more. Yes, I doubt limits; I know most of them are inside our minds. Yet these minds do not have limitless energy.

Time to add one more reminder, much bigger and brighter, from the ancient Greek philosophers this time: Μέτρον άριστον (Everything in moderation), by Kleoboulos!

Venting without Aggression

      “Everyone gets frustrated and aggressive, and I’d sooner take my aggression 

       out on a guitar than on a person.”

       Paul Weller

I am practicing a profession where it is not uncommon to deal with people’ s frustrations. And although we all try to be as assertive as possible, sometimes frustration leads us to aggressive words without us even noticing.

      “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how  

       our words and behaviors affect the rights and well being of others.”

       Sharon Anthony Bower

I am lucky not to have to face such behavior often. Yet, words may be spoken and then it’s my turn not to vent my frustration into a new circle of aggression and reaction. But just breathe and let go. And grab a guitar or even better enjoy the guitar of others J

Note to all: Shit happens. We may not be able to control all that happens, but we can certainly control what we do and say when it happens. No need to take it out on others like they were a punching bag.

The Freedom of Self-Management

“What is self-management?” was the question today. To discover, once again, that it all begins with self-love.

Self management goes beyond any discipline that we impose on ourselves. It’s about how we handle our emotions, our ability to respond rather than react to situations, how we cope with stress. It is about what our relationship with our body and health is in practice: how we show self care and respect. It is about what we do with our money, our time and our people. It is about our dedication to what matters to us most and how we follow through the commitments that arise from this dedication. It is about the life we live in accordance to our values.

It is about our thoughts and beliefs, about our perceptions and misconceptions. It is about attaining awareness of these, so that we can address any issue, make the right decisions, take the right action at any given moment.

It all starts with self-love. The secret ingredient without which no self-management will have any reason to exist and happen.

With self-love come the value and respect that we give to our values, our goals, our bodies, our lives.

The result? Freedom. The unique freedom that we are the masters of our lives.