What are you hiding?

At some point in our lives we all live in closets. All a closet is, is a heart conversation. 
We are all hiding something. In this talk, Ash Beckham invites us to find the courage to open up, because the closet is no place for a person to truly live. 

Tips for Listening

How do you listen?

Do you listen to understand or to reply?

Do you listen to convince?

Is what you have understood the same as what the other person meant?

Do you let your emotions get in the way?

Is your inner critic on when listening?

A brief, basic guide on how to listen:

• When listening empty your mind of assumptions and judgment
• Listen to connect
• Listen to learn and understand
• Ask questions for which you have no answers
• Be present
• Tune it
• Listen with an open mind
• Listen with an open heart
• Appreciate
• Summarize 

"It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the province of wisdom to listen." (Oliver Wendell Holmes) 

Venting without Aggression

      “Everyone gets frustrated and aggressive, and I’d sooner take my aggression 

       out on a guitar than on a person.”

       Paul Weller

I am practicing a profession where it is not uncommon to deal with people’ s frustrations. And although we all try to be as assertive as possible, sometimes frustration leads us to aggressive words without us even noticing.

      “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how  

       our words and behaviors affect the rights and well being of others.”

       Sharon Anthony Bower

I am lucky not to have to face such behavior often. Yet, words may be spoken and then it’s my turn not to vent my frustration into a new circle of aggression and reaction. But just breathe and let go. And grab a guitar or even better enjoy the guitar of others J

Note to all: Shit happens. We may not be able to control all that happens, but we can certainly control what we do and say when it happens. No need to take it out on others like they were a punching bag.

"Potato, Potato" or a Modern Day Babel

“Why don’t you add at the end of the message what you think it’s best to do?” asked a friend after reviewing an email I'd composed before I pressed the send button. 

“I am of the British school”, I replied immediately laughing, and I showed him the following table to give him a better idea of what I meant (and why I was laughing).

In my email, I had made a suggestion. Like British people, I made the suggestion so that it would be followed. Otherwise, why make a suggestion in the first place?  Like non-Brits, my friend (and the mail's recipients in all likelihood ) would assume that it’s just an idea, no need to follow it.

Business and other implications of such a misunderstanding aside and viewed in a lighthearted manner, I find this very amusing. I think of the number of times that I may have been told by someone “that’s interesting” and actually felt good when the reality could be that they were saying "this sucks".

Part of me is tempted to let any misunderstandings and confusion be and just enjoy without care a harmless Babel.  

Alas, the little voice of conscientiousness inside my head warns me that confusions can seldom be harmless and we better communicate as clearly as possible – in any language, against any cultural background. 

Rumors: Don't Be an Idiot!

Rumor: noun. A currently circulating story or report of uncertain or doubtful truth. (Oxford Dictionaries) 

“Rumors are nearly as old as human history, but with the rise of the Internet, they have become ubiquitous. In fact we are now awash in them. False rumors are especially troublesome; they impose real damage on individuals and institutions, and they often resist correction. They can threaten careers, policies, public officials, and sometimes even democracy itself.” (Cass R. Sunstein)

They can be harmful and destructive.

Next time you hear a rumor ask yourself what are the facts and distinguish rumor from reality.

“People should get their information from the source with facts before sharing it. Rumors can be lots of different opinions, based on what other people think. This is where lies begin to build and develop into things that are harmful to others.” (Ellen J. Barrier)

Remember:

“Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.” (Ziad K. Abdelnour)

 Most often

“Rumors are mostly a projection of the individual who started them.” (Roya R. Rad)

Separate yourself from such an individual and before spreading rumors, keep in mind that

“A lie can run round the world before the truth has got its boots on.” (Terry Pratchett)

Whether they are personal or professional, rumors can cause misfortunes; they can easily destroy reputations, careers and relationships.

“Serious misfortunes, originating in misrepresentation, frequently flow and spread before they can be dissipated by truth.” (George Washington) 

Do you want to be responsible for such misfortunes? For one is equally accountable for spreading rumors, not only when generating them.

“A rumor is a social cancer: it is difficult to contain and it rots the brains of the masses. However, the real danger is that so many people find rumors enjoyable. That part causes the infection. And in such cases when a rumor is only partially made of truth, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly where the information may have gone wrong. It is passed on and on until some brave soul questions its validity; that brave soul refuses to bite the apple and let the apple eat him. Forced to start from scratch for the sake of purity and truth, that brave soul, figuratively speaking, fully amputates the information in order to protect his personal judgment. In other words, his ignorance is to be valued more than the lie believed to be true.”  (Chriss Jami)

Be a brave soul.

Listen!

The hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence, it demands the emptiness of all the faculties.

And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens.

There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.

                                                                                               Confucius

photo credit: http://www.themarthablog.com/2009/10/my-photos-of-the-early-morning-autumn-fog.html

Don’t compliment me please!

Last year I was working countless hours for many months on what I considered a very noble cause. Occasionally I would receive a compliment that would make me feel frustrated, sad and irritated. How can a compliment do that? Easy: I was skipping sleep and all kinds of self-care to get everything done, I was creating structures from scratch, being pro-active, resourceful and managing too many things at a time. When a potential problem could arise, I was immediately taking action forwarding the information to other partners, just to receive a plain feedback about a teeny tiny detail of the “unfortunate use” of an… adjective!

I was juggling tasks, deadlines, processes, people and problems with notable results and no acknowledgment. Oh, but I received a few compliments. And I got upset. And I was refusing to accept these compliments. Why?

The answer came with today’s class on Acknowledgment. Acknowledgement is about honoring someone by recognizing his or her accomplishment or something they’ve done that has made a significant difference. It is genuine, authentic and honest and it is purely about the other person, not our own preferences. 

By receiving occasional compliments (that by the way, had nothing to do with the results I was creating), I felt unseen and unappreciated.

You want to honor others? You want to show them that you appreciate and recognize them; that you value and respect their hard work? You want to have a positive impact to someone’s life and/or work?

Acknowledge them! Acknowledge the unique individuals they are and their achievements.

There is nothing as empowering as showing our gratitude and appreciation by the simple act of acknowledgment. 

Words Matter

Those who follow me on social media know my love for quotes. I have always found these short combinations of words wisely put together a great source of inspiration and insights.

I think of them as a very indicative trace that we live behind, indicative of our philosophy, believes, personality.

Although our existence is defined and characterized by our deeds, words matter. These tiny extracts of wisdom called quotes are just one more evidence of that.

In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz’s first agreement is 'Be impeccable with your words'. 

“Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

I must admit that whenever I am upset, angry or heart, I find it very difficult to keep that agreement. I must refrain from any re-action and ask myself: is my impulse to use my words to react to the situation and/or person in alignment with the first agreement?

A few days ago, just before the old year expired and we all welcomed the new one with celebrations, I received a message, a short reply, that could easily reduce me to tears. I remembered the second agreement: 'Don’t take anything personally', and I breathed. When the shock of the aggressive and mean reply had faded I reminded myself how my deeds were proving that message wrong. 

Finally I laughed.

Having this thing for quotes made me think that if those were the sender’s last words, her final quote for the year, it was a terrible thing for her. Who wants to be remembered with words used in the direction of resentment?

New awareness and insights:

1. Words matter, weather we like it or not. In Greek there is a saying "The tongue has no bones, yet it crushes bones". Use your tongue (words) to build something positive, something loving and meaningful, not to break.

2. What would happen if we all thought of our words as our last words, our quotes that would be left behind to remind to others who we were and what we were about?

The Four Agreements

Breaks and Guilt

Last spring I took a break. I took a long break for the whole three months.

I never know when to take a break, usually I collapse before I do that. Maybe because I hate breaks: break ups, break-downs, all kind of breaks.

This time was different: this time the break was exploration and – hopefully – discovery time driven by the determination to find an answer; before even the slightest break-down.

The challenge wasn’t easy: keep the faith to someone no matter what. The actual situation I was in is of no importance here. What is important is the journey that it caused. I started digging, searching and researching. I studied a lot, I listened a lot, I asked every person I trusted could give me the Answer. 

The path led me to Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. My intuition told me that there lied my answer and I finally asked my friend and colleague Giuseppe. My intuition was – once again – right. The answer was found!

Giuseppe in excitement asked me the “rhetorical” question “Aren’t you happy to discover NVC?” “No”, I said without hesitation. I felt extremely guilty because now I had gained new awareness of more mistakes that I had made. 

The more I know, the worse I feel for all the answers that I ignored at the time. For all the mistakes I made. Dealing with them and the remorse when they only affect ourselves is easy. What happens when they affect others or our relationships with them?

I was with this sweet and bitter sense of my discovery for weeks. One day talking with a friend I confessed the guilt the new knowledge had brought to me. She very calmly said “we are humans, we make mistakes, we grow, we move on. Nothing to feel guilty about”.

The lightbulb in my head switched on! I remembered the message I had recently written to a colleague:

“Oh... so much to learn... And so good to know that time will never be enough: we will never be bored learning J”

We are humans and we are in a constant development. We take actions, we dare to do things and we make mistakes. There will be people that will give us a break and will forgive us and there will be others that will not.

My lessons?

1.     Start loving breaks. They provide a space of growth and occasionally anticipate other breaks.

2.     Relationships with solid foundations or with another brave person rarely break.

3.     Mistakes are human. (Oh, no! I am human…)

Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life By (author) Marshall B. Rosenberg

Working It Out

Lately, problems (challenges, as we call them wickedly) have made my stress levels hit red. As a result my mind got engaged in a non-productive inner dialogue so I needed to urgently do something to shut the thing down. I immediately found an activity that keeps all irrelevant thoughts out: climbing! It worked perfectly. A couple of hours with only the worry of where and how to put your hands and feet. At some point the instructor suggested that I repeat something. I simply replied “No, I’ll pass; I am actually very lazy and avoid effort”. He looked at me surprised. All the people there go precisely to work hard on improving their climbing skills.

Later the same day I started thinking of an “old friend” if I can call him that. Our relationship was over because “it needed so much work”. So, I wondered. What is it that makes people work so hard training, sweating, spending hours challenging and improving their physical skills, but, when it comes to relationships “it’s too much work”?

I was lazy as an athlete too, and I never missed a good opportunity to skip training or part of it. I suspect this is the main reason I do almost everything well from the beginning. I am too lazy to practice again and again. On the other hand, when it comes to people and relationships, when it comes to my emotional / social skills, I never give up. I endure, I practice, I fight. And so I thought all people did. Until I heard that “it’s so much work”…

What is the criteria of what is worth working on and what is not? How can we so easily focus our efforts on something like climbing a wall or building the perfect fit body, but avoid any inconvenience to explore at least the potential of a relationship? What makes spending our energy on conquering that wall more important than spending it in making someone smile? And why is it considered an effort in the first place?

Even at bowling (another activity I tried for stopping the inner chatter), we have 10 shots for each game. The game is not decided by just one shot. Every player has the fair amount of 10 attempts. Yet in relationships and especially in love, most people won’t give more than one. Either you have a strike or you’re out of the game.

When is comes to relationships my endurance is endless and so are the shots I am willing to make. I take my chances, I make mistakes (too many I would say), I will not be able to have a strike from the beginning, but, hey, if I believe that it is worthy, if I see the potential, I am not lazy at all.