Exhausting Possibilities

When faced with situations the first impulse is to deal with them with what we know best. What we have done successfully in the past, what we feel comfortable doing, what we know doing. We see things from a specific perspective and the possibilities that we become aware of are a result of this perspective.

So, when we think we have exhausted all possibilities, we must remember this: we have exhausted all possibilities that are within our awareness. 

There are still unexplored possibilities and options.

And if indeed there is absolutely nothing that can be done, then maybe it’s time to consider if the situation is actually one that we can control. Then, another possibility appears: to accept what is, for we have no control over it. We can only adapt, adjust, or leave.

When you (think) you have exhausted all possibilities, remember: there is one more answer that hasn’t been thought of yet. 

The Lure and Logic of Outrage

Photo credit: Mark-Chadwick ©2010-2014

Guest blog post by Deah Curry PhD

Last Monday I had a moment that lasted the whole day long, and seeped a little bit into Tuesday, like a greedy thief of my normally rational mind. 

I didn’t like it. It was not a happy sunshine and champagne kind of moment.  No, it was a shock, outrage, and despair moment.

The cause of this perturbation is not really important. What mattered was how I reacted, how caught up I got, how my own ugly dark side got fueled, and how it grew within me a scary desire to lash out and hurt everyone I perceived to be even remotely associated with the cause.

Ugh. Not my finest moment, to be sure.

No, on that day I was an inspiration to no one, much less a help, nor a model of sanity or critical thinking.  I was far from an example of spiritual compassion.  I had failed to walk the path of higher Truth and Wisdom.  Not that I don’t fail that ideal a little bit on other days, too, but this was a major detour.

On that day, I was one with the ranters. It was an angry but impotent experience. How exhausting it must be to be in rant mode all the time, I thought for an instant as I took a breather tea break. And then another trigger came by, luring me back into my indignant – as in, lacking dignity – and outraged energy and off I went, chasing a virtual boogeyman across the social minefields of cyberspace.

Why am I sharing this with you?  

Well I learned a few things that may be worth contemplating, on a calm day, with a logical mind and nice glass of lemonade, and a cookie.

First, no matter who you are or where you are in life, there will be moments of outrage that sneak up on you. They may be well justified, or not, but that’s not what matters.  What matters is whether you can feel the outrage and retain at least a smidgen of capacity for self-reflection, because without the ability to observe yourself even when wearing the dark uglies of indignation, you aren’t learning and growing.

Second, anger is easily fueled but not so easily harnessed for empowered social change, or channeled into personally productive, constructive, problem-solving solutions. And we too often confuse anger and passion.

This moment of mine coached me on the difference – anger is exhausting, I realized from the depth of cellular knowing. And it makes me feel bad about everything.  Passion is energizing, and increases opportunities for inspiring sunshine and champagne moments.

I want more of those.

The Greatness of All Things

Yesterday I looked down and I saw modesty on the ground. 

Today I looked up and I saw majesty in the sky.

Where will you look today? 

What will you see? 

"Potato, Potato" or a Modern Day Babel

“Why don’t you add at the end of the message what you think it’s best to do?” asked a friend after reviewing an email I'd composed before I pressed the send button. 

“I am of the British school”, I replied immediately laughing, and I showed him the following table to give him a better idea of what I meant (and why I was laughing).

In my email, I had made a suggestion. Like British people, I made the suggestion so that it would be followed. Otherwise, why make a suggestion in the first place?  Like non-Brits, my friend (and the mail's recipients in all likelihood ) would assume that it’s just an idea, no need to follow it.

Business and other implications of such a misunderstanding aside and viewed in a lighthearted manner, I find this very amusing. I think of the number of times that I may have been told by someone “that’s interesting” and actually felt good when the reality could be that they were saying "this sucks".

Part of me is tempted to let any misunderstandings and confusion be and just enjoy without care a harmless Babel.  

Alas, the little voice of conscientiousness inside my head warns me that confusions can seldom be harmless and we better communicate as clearly as possible – in any language, against any cultural background. 

How far are you willing to go?

Today I drove 180 km for work. Viewed purely from a business perspective, the hard fact is that I shouldn’t have done that; it wasn’t “good business”.

On my way back home I was smiling, tired but happy: I have taken the first step towards a vision of mine. All it cost me was challenging and abandoning any idea of what should and should not be done. And driving 180 km.

This is a Thai commercial that has gone viral and I believe perfectly relates to this message. The Hero performs his glorious tasks for what he desires most: a world made more beautiful.

When it comes to your vision, when it comes to your goals, dreams and desires, how far are you willing to go? What is the first step that you will take, the seed that you can sow? 

Do Good Things Hurt?

While reading an article on the biggest misconceptions about life, an old reply of mine, on Quora, came to mind. The question was:

"Why do good things hurt?" 

Good things never hurt. That is an oxymoron. 

If we are hurt by something good, then we should reconsider the source of our hurt/ pain.

Take love, for example. People say that 'love hurts'. Which is totally misleading. True love never hurts. True love liberates our soul and our spirit.

What can hurt may be the unmet expectations, for example. But then, it will not be love that will have hurt us, but our own preconceived ideas of what the other should be/do.

Another example is that 'truth hurts'. Again, truth brings awareness. And in what way can awareness hurt? It can only support insights and growth.

What can hurt is the disappointment that the idea or beliefs we had are proven false. The revelation that the reality we had built is not actually real. So, it is actually a false belief that is hurting, not the truth, which can only set us free (once we decide to see it this way).

Bottom line is that if something good hurts, then something is not good there and it usually isn't the "thing".

Actions vs Symptoms

As an introvert, I have always found any situation that required me to be in a group for more than a day, without any free time for myself, challenging.

I know that sometimes I was judged as strange or aloof when I removed myself from the crowd, just for a while, to recharge.

I am lucky enough now to be in a profession where every one knows – more or less – what being an introvert means and that if I isolate myself for a while I am not being antisocial; when I am engaging in one on one conversations it’s not because I reject others.

Nowadays we can find a plethora of articles about introverts, so it’s ok now to be a “weirdo” and you do not have to apologize for your behavior any more.

What happens though with other traits of ours, or conditions that cannot be changed and which define or control our actions?

I have a health condition, which is balanced and controlled through diet. I must eat regularly and specific things. If not, I get symptoms. Physical symptoms I can cope with. But when I get the emotional symptoms it's a nightmare, even if the crisis only lasts for 20 minutes. Such symptoms obviously affect my behavior.

Recently, after unfortunately having a crisis, I apologized for my behavior. I felt horrible and really bad. What made me feel worse was the fact that the others present were expecting me to control my actions during the crisis, unable to accept the fact that it was a symptom that could not be overcome cognitively. 

The next day I was skeptical: if I were suffering from an obvious illness, I wouldn’t have to apologize for my symptoms.

Three years ago I wrote a short post about the transient nature of appearance. We get easily judged for what seem to be our actions.

This can go much deeper as a problem, when we are expected to apologize for actions that go beyond our control, losing any empathy or understanding that we should have (let alone help). 

On Missed Opportunities

A question arrived in my inbox today from an old client and very charismatic young man: Had you ever happened to get very close to what you believed to be the opportunity of a lifetime and miss it?

The question derived from a very recent experience where he had the opportunity to get what he believed to be his dream-job and didn’t make it.

The first thought was from a short conversation with an aunt of mine some years ago. I was visiting her for Easter when she asked me about the man I was dating. I told her about the breakup and she simply replied “well, it wasn’t him”.

My response every time someone tells me about how he or she lost the love of his or her life, or the opportunity of a lifetime is always the same: if it were the love of your life or the opportunity of your life, you wouldn’t have lost it.

I also remember the words of a client of mine: the master will appear when the student is ready.

In 1994, I might have missed my lifetime opportunity when I met with the Master of my dream-job. I say ‘might’ because I cannot know. Would I have been happy and successful in that path? I cannot know; I can only make assumptions. But what is the point of that?

So, here is my perspective on the missed opportunity of a lifetime:

1. If we have missed it, it wasn’t ‘our’ opportunity. If it is our opportunity we can chase it again and again until we make it.
2. I believe that we create our opportunities. If we are lucky enough to know what is it that we want, to know what our opportunity is like, then we go after it and we do not give up until we reach it.
3. My questions would be about what makes this our dream (job, partner, career, etc). How do we know it?
4. Finally, how ready are we for it? What are we doing to prepare ourselves to be ready when the master, the opportunity will appear?

I know that I have missed many chances because I wasn’t ready. I was too insecure, had little knowledge, less skills, less confidence, or I just wasn’t sure.

On the other hand, I have seized many other opportunities having no idea where they would lead me. Actually, those were simple things, tasks, hobbies, even problems, all opportunities in disguise.

And I know that I do not regret a thing because:

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Lesson of the Week

My greatest achievement (and lesson) in a very intense week:

Give Yourself Credit

How easily do we share with others the small or great achievements we accomplish in our everyday life?

There is a challenge with sharing publicly what we call “wins”:

-  We are afraid of how others will judge us: that we are bragging or showing off.
-  We think our win is not important enough to share. It’s just something small, even if it took a lot of work, time, or effort to achieve.
-  We feel others will not be interested in listening; even if our win is very important to us and makes us very happy, why should they care for it?
-  We have been taught that a modest person does not talk about him/herself and so should we.
-  That confident people do not need to talk about themselves and their achievements; only arrogant people do.

I had always been told by my mother that if I do something right or good, I should let others talk about it. If I am good at something, others should acknowledge it, not me.

We have a ritual at the coaching school where I teach: we start each class by inviting students to share a recent win with us and celebrate together. Exploring the obstacles that prevent us from generously share our wins with them today, I realized that I was still hesitant to do what I was asking.

So, the first thing I did straight after class was to challenge all these beliefs and post both on twitter and facebook the following message (in Greek): “If you do not follow my blog, you are missing out” (together with a request for feedback, ideas and support). That was something I never would have dared to write or say before. 

If you allowed yourself to be proud today, to generously acknowledge the baby steps that you are taking everyday, what would you “brag” about? 

Why Procrastination Rocks

"How do you beat procrastination?", a student asked me. 

I don’t!

I have come to terms with my procrastination; I even enjoy it. Last weekend I had a deadline for a project. In just a couple of hours my house was cleaner than ever. The project could wait.

I have fully embraced my procrastination. Ok, the fact that I can finish tasks super fast when I have to, really helps. So it’s simple for me: I procrastinate and when I have no other option, no more time, I sit down, focus intensely and do whatever needs to be done. My focus is so sharp, that I perform better than If I take my time.

Procrastination also allows me more time to reflect on the task. I am a reflector. I need that time. I am not going to make drafts and plans and pre-work on something. I need to process everything in my mind and when I am ready (and out of time), there I go.

Procrastination has occasionally saved me. The delay had brought to surface information that was essential. Or, in other cases, it had provided me with the opportunity to say a “no” that I should have said from the beginning, but I hadn’t.

Thanks to procrastination I am more conscious of the task I am doing and why.

Oh, it can be fun too: I see friends I should have told them “I cannot join you, I have a deadline”, I take long walks in the city and I spend time helping my nieces with their homework, or letting them beat me at board games.  

Procrastination takes the pressure off, when there is something stressful or unpleasant that needs to get done, because after a certain amount of time and many internal dialogues it just doesn’t seem that significant any more, so with lightheartedness it gets done or dumped (the urgent vs important matrix works much better when procrastinating).

Finally, it’s because of procrastination that I can keep the house clean and tidy – how could I find the time to do that otherwise?

I tell you, Brian Tracy was right about Eating that Frog, but sometimes frogs are better eaten with a shorter (or longer) delay. 

PS: in writing this blog post, I didn’t procrastinate at all. The fact that the book I must read still lays untouched next to my keyboard, is purely coincidental. 

On Perfection

Following a friend's comment on Perfection, I stumbled on this great post by Abhishek Parolkar, in which he shares the most beautiful perspective on Perfection and Flawlessness:

Flawlessness 

Whether its about business or personal life, We tend to define perfection as tool to succeed and it starts with the search for "The Perfect" : perfect idea, perfect business partner , perfect life partner, perfect job, perfect product, perfect boss, perfect employee, perfect marketing... list goes on. In this process of finding the perfect thing, we set our standards by looking at the world around us and not the world inside each one of us. Every time we evaluate something, we tend to magnify missing pieces & qualify it as incomplete or flawful because it does not fit into self imposed standards (which were set by looking at perfect things of the world but by underestimating the effort that made the perfection possible). We forget that flaws are reality

Defining something by the absence of something else is a mindset of incompletion, a hedonistic and fearful approach. It’s hedonistic because we try to isolate only the “good” things from the whole, and it’s fearful because we do that by fear of the other, “bad” side. Choosing only one side of the coin is useless and ineffective. You can’t have a full coin if you chose only one side of it. - Dragos

Hence for me, “flawlessness” is not about perfection, its about how complete can you become after accepting the reality. It might be little difficult to understand this until I ask you to watch a great ballet performance video below. This is what I call incomplete yet so flawless

Thanks to Pravin Talan for sharing this video

We always expect things to be perfect around us, a missing piece in our universe starts to cause discomfort. But we forget that we have started to take many things just for granted, even when we never owned it. Louis CK puts it in right perspective

Parolkar, Abhishek, "Flawlessness", 

Abhishek Parolkar's Technology Blog, February 21, 2010

http://abhishek.parolkar.com/2010/02/flawlessness.html

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.5 License

The Negative Thought Trap (and a hidden upside)

There is a lot said – and written – about negative thinking. Just today Pick the Brain had an article on “15 Quotes to Help You Smash Negative Thinking”. It’s not an exaggeration to say that negative thoughts can consume our life. But how aware of them are we?

How many of us have had conversations where we were sharing our goals and the other person was responding with phrases like “it’s not easy”, “it will be hard for you”, “it’s not very realistic your goal”? 

What is happening in these cases? Does the other person intend to show empathy? To comfort you that your goal is difficult indeed and that it makes sense for you to meet difficulties? If there are statements of acknowledgment for setting the bar so high for oneself, it may be that we have an incomplete expression of empathy.

But, what if these phrases came from the other person's own negative thoughts, stated at a moment that you need their encouragement more than anything? 

Can we think about whether we have fallen into this trap? Whether we have projected our own negativity and perspective on the subject? Do we always create the space to explore the opportunities, rather than engage with the fear?  

Negative thoughts are not necessarily something we need to fight or ignore. With the right tools and approach, they can give us great insights about false beliefs and fears, challenge them and – why not – get rid of them.

We only need to be mindful of them and keep them for our own exploration, avoiding the trap of projecting them onto others.  

In Praise of Idleness

"Far from idleness being the root of all evil, 

it is rather the only true good."

                                                        Soren Kierkegaard 

 John William Godward, Idleness 

Stop Longing For Love!

A few days after Valentine’s and with the storm of “love” posts and articles spent, I unintentionally heard a friend’s confession over the phone where he was expressing his longing for love.

I felt sad and somehow angry. I felt saddened by the suffering that my friend was experiencing and angry because he was unable to see the love he already had in his life, being a father of two.

We all have love in our lives. Even if we are not in a romantic relationship – and maybe this kind of love is missing for the moment – there is the love of and for our family, the love of and for our friends, the love of and for the people we meet, work with, create connections and interactions. It is the love that we receive and the love that we give. We have above all the love for ourselves.

The moment we are consumed by this longing for love, we have erased all the wonderful love that is already there. For me this is simply disrespectful to that love.

Note to all:

Stop longing for love; you all have love in your lives. Just stop and feel it. Celebrate it in any occasion and feel grateful for it. 

Haste Slowly

After attending a six hour workshop today, I went out into the fresh air and decided to walk a little before getting a taxi to my car and returning back to the office.

I walked to Syntagma Square where I read the signs of doctors protesting and past the Parliament just in time to watch the changing of the guard. The weather was perfect so I thought I’d continue walking a little further. I was admiring the buildings I was passing by in Vasilissis Sofias avenue: the Museum of Cycladic Art, the Byzantine Museum, Saroglion Mansion and many more. Then I noticed the beauty of the Ippokrateio Hospital entrance, built in the 1880’s, and green areas of the city that are impossible to notice passing by in a car.

I was smiling enjoying every step of the walk when I made a decision: I was going to walk to the car! The idea was crazy, I had parked 5,5 km away and still had plenty of work unfinished for today. 

I remembered the big lesson I had learned from my niece: eventually I would get to the car; I would get there in the most fun and meaningful way.

So I kept walking with eyes wide open and a big smile on my face.

I passed by little squares with statues, parks and hidden gardens of whose existence I was unaware. I was contemplating the details on some doors, the variations of a skyline occupied by old and new constructions, the people who were passing by: walking, jogging, smoking, carrying kids or puppies. I was hearing Greek and English and Spanish and was feeling comfortable with and curious about the diversity of a city where I could find neo-byzantine churches and Bauhaus embassies next to Pakistani grocery stores, neoclassical buildings and Starbucks.

I saw a well inside the garden of what seemed to be an abandoned house and the rusty sign of the Nursing Home. I saw beauty in every step.

90 minutes later I made it to the car, grateful for my choice of flat heels this morning and realized that today's to-do list had been replaced this afternoon by the important. The urgent didn’t seem so urgent anymore.

Note to self: 
Haste slowly more often. Time will always be enough.

Be the Hero

Yesterday, my social media timelines were filled with similar Greek posts applauding the Greek delegation's brave gesture at the Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony.

Observing the photos and knowing a little about sport politics, I remained skeptical. I thought that gesture that would make us proud was unlikely.

This morning, my scepticism was confirmed: the so-called gesture was nothing like what my friends  have wished for; it was just a coincidence.

Two things were very evident here: 

1. We desperately need something to raise our morale again. We need role models that stand up against unfairness and injustice.

2. We see only what we choose to see and we select the relevant perspective. If we want to see rainbows, rainbows there are. Just like when we look for the answers we want to hear.

Another thing that is also very evident it that, no matter how strong our desire to see what we desire to see, no matter what interpretation we give to the facts, the truth can only be one, even if it hurts us.

A friend, who was among those cheering yesterday, upon finding out the truth today she put it aptly: “it is in our heart to believe in the miracle. And that is why we believed. And for a moment we were what we had believed we were : all inclusive”. 

Finally, what is evident is that we are still waiting for someone else to be our hero, to do what is right. Time to realize that each one of us is fully capable to be that hero and do what we know it is right.

As a friend was posting today,

“I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.” (Lily Tomlin) 

We do not need to wait for any athlete, for any hero, to do something. We are the ones that can and should be doing something.