What Is Fear and How to Overcome It

What is Fear? 

An unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm:

1. A feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety of someone;
2. The likelihood of something unwelcome happening;

3. A mixed feeling of dread and reverence.

Fear is a series of reactions in the brain triggered by a stressful stimulus and ending with such physical reactions as tense muscles, rapid heartbeat and rushed breathing. This is the well-known fight, flight or freeze response.

Fear, triggered by the amygdala, is one of nature’s earliest survival mechanisms. During the early beginnings of life, nature developed the amygdalae as special purpose organs in the brain to remember and respond to danger signals.

What was purposed to help us survive, now has become a mechanism that often prevent us from living.

The most common acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real and some of its side effects are:

-  Indecisiveness that results in stagnation

-  Anxiety and stress

-  Resistance to change

-  Lack of self-confidence

-  Life becomes centered on pessimism

-  Errors in judgement

-  Fight, flight, or freeze reactions

-  Doubt

-  Anger

-  Hate

How to overcome fear?

Although we assume it would be hard to break free from fear, it is not.

Here are some ideas and steps to help us overcome fear:

• Acknowledge it. Name the fear, write it down, measure it.
• Get control of your imagination. Visualize yourself in the situation you are dreading, but this time see yourself calm, confident and composed.
• Breathe. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath and slowly breathe out.

The above will kickstart your thinking brain (neocortex). Once you start with these steps, the next ones will be easier:

• Don’t believe your thoughts. Challenge your assumptions and the false evidences that appear real.
• Make a list of the benefits you or others will get once you face your fear.
• Disengage from the outcome.
• Make a list of your strengths.
• Release control.
• Be comfortable with the unknown, the new, and the uncomfortable.
• Get busy. Focus on what needs to be done, just do it and focus your attention and energy on that.
• Exercise! (Yes, it does have a positive effect on fear too.)
• Expose yourself to your fear(s).
• Replace fear with curiosity and fun.
• Get a coach.

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it." (Jiddu Krishnamurti)

On Love II

“Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.”

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

“Had we not loved ourselves at all, we could never have been obliged to love anything. So that self-love is the basis of all love.”

Thomas Traherne

“Love is a passionate commitment that we nurture and develop.”

Julian Baggini, What is Love? Five theories on the greatest emotion of all

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

“When it comes to real human prosperity, the truest denominator of a life searingly well lived is love.”

“None of us belong here. But we are here. And there’s not enough time. Cut the bullshit. Love."

Umair Haque, Why Love Matters More (And Less) Than You Think

Anger vs Passion

As my colleague Deah Curry pointed out in this recent post, we confuse anger and passion. I think it is safe to say we can observe two main confusions – assumptions:

Other people’ assumptions:

“My passion and energy get mistaken for anger.” Gary Oldman

Our own assumptions:

I mistake my anger for passion.

We cannot control other people’s assumptions, but we can work on our own assumptions. Being mindful of what it is we are experiencing and consciously choosing what we feed and how can have a significant impact on our life. 

Learn your craft. Know your craft. Honor your craft.

You decided to become a teacher, a plumber, a painter, a manager, a coach.

You honed some skills, you learned some theory. Is it enough?

The fact is, you are doing what everyone can do: you have acquired a craft. Learning your craft, really knowing it and honoring it, means continuing to develop it. That’s what the essense of a craft is about.

Diligently practice it, keep your knowledge and skills updated, research, pursue your constant improvement and growth.

And you may find that: 

• The more time you dedicate to developing your craft, the more you learn what you are capable of.
• You will develop more credibility as a skilled person/ professional.
• The more you learn, the more you can teach others.
• The more honed your craft is, the more you will stand out in your field.
• The further you go, the more you can create, because your understanding of your ability has grown.
• Your understanding of how things and processes work will improve.
• The greater the legacy you will leave behind. 

Is What You Are Doing Serving You?

Is what you are doing serving you?   

By serving you I mean does it bring you closer to your goal?

Is it congruent with your commitment to self-care? 

Does it support your growth, learning, and development?

Is it pulling you forward or is it pushing you back?

Does it feed any of your insecurities, fears, undesired beliefs and feelings?

Does it make you feel better and be better? 

If yes, good. Go on, keep doing it.

If not, stop. 

Getting Better with Active Questions

During a presentation with the title “Why We Don’t Do What We Know We Should Do: and How We Can Improve Our Odds on Getting Better!” at the WBECS, Marshall Goldsmith shared six active questions:

Did I do my best to:

1. Set clear goals?
2. Make progress toward goal achievement?
3. Build positive relationships?
4. Be happy?
5. Find meaning?
6. Be fully engaged?

Such active questions encourage people to think about what they can do to take responsibility for a situation.

If you were going to create your own list of six active questions to improve your odds on getting better, what would these questions be? 

Atonement

Today’s (second) post is about atonement.

Try as we might, the fact is we are human and we cannot be perfect. There will be something we did or did not do, something we said, a mistake we made or a post we missed.

The most effective steps to deal with them is to:

1. Take responsibility
2. Apologize 
3. Make amends
4. Forgive ourselves
5. Move on

Learning the lesson and making sure we do not repeat them is usually optional. 

Note: a common omission and mistake is to skip the very important step 3. Don't. 

Go for What You Need

During a meeting yesterday, I mentioned the problem with delivering services that the client wants, whereas we must help them explore what it is that they need.

Talking with a colleague again today, the same topic came up.

On more than one occasion, an organization is open to discussing what their current challenges are and which needs are emerging, but even with this awareness they prefer to stick with what is familiar – what has been done in the past, or what others are doing.

This also happens with individuals: having just spoken with a friend, he knows what needs to be changed in his team, he knows that they do not get the results they need, he still opts for doing the same. No alternative approach is considered.

And with more personal issues: how many people suffer in a specific area of their life? And they may have a very good idea that their suffering is the result of x reasons. How do they approach the solution? By consistently doing the same thing. Over and over again. Expecting that something will change.

“What got you here won’t get you there” is not only the name of a very popular book of Marshall Goldsmith; it’s also a fact. How do we expect to be doing the same thing and get different results?

In January, I wrote a very short post about the power of our thoughts. It’s our thoughts that will define our lives ultimately. Our behaviors are a result of our thoughts and beliefs.

Yesterday I wrote about Control.

What is it that we must let go of, abandon, how do we need to reframe control, so that we can gain the outcomes that we need?

Learning is about courage. Have the courage to disengage emotionally from what you want, to get what you actually need.

What Got You Here Won't Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful

About Control

I think my greatest achievement these past months has been learning these two lessons:

1. "You can change only what people know, not what they do." (Scott Adams)
2. "Your brain shall be your servant instead of your master. You will rule it instead of allowing it to rule you." (Charles E. Popplestone)

11 Myths and 5 Facts about Self-Confidence

photo credit: http://netwars4.deviantart.com/art/Self-Confidence-192487496

Myths:

You are either born with it or without. You either have self-confidence or you don't. 
False. Self-confidence is like a skill. You can develop it and conquer it. You just need to do the work.

Smart, talented, skillful, handsome or successful people are confident. 
False. Self-confidence is not based on status, gifts or looks.

People who perform well are highly self-confident. 
False. There are many people who do not relate their performance or behavior to their worth.

Comparing ourselves to others and seeing “how much more” we are, increases our self-confidence. 
False. Actually, comparing ourselves to others, regardless of how many things we have or are, feeds our fears and insecurities, all the parts of ourself that we feel as weaknesses.

Self-confidence is an essential ingredient to success. 
False. Yeah, right; all successful people are full of self-confident. Many times, it can be quite the opposite. People who lack confidence and have a low sense of self-worth may diligently pursue success to prove their worth to themselves.

People with high self-confidence are arrogant. 
False. The truth is that many people who suffer from arrogance are trying to cover their insecurities.

We will gain confidence once we have achieved x. 
False. We dare do x exactly because we feel confident doing it.

Receiving acknowledgement increases someone's confidence. 
False. Partly. Only when a person is able to acknowledge his/her own achievements, actions, talents, skills, etc, will his/her self-confidence consistently increase. 

Only self-confident people take risks. 
Not necessarily. If you are self-confident, that might not feel like such a risk, right? Risk takers are disengaged from the outcome of the action taken. They may lack self-confidence but they have a strong commitment to the purpose of their risk.

Only a big accomplishment can restore our self-confidence. 
False. Small changes, tiny steps, can make a big difference.

A low profile person is someone with low self-confidence. 
There may be cases where a low profile person also has low self-confidence, but this is definitely not a rule. A low profile person may well be a very confident introvert.

Facts:

Self-confidence inspires trust. A confident person is more likely to gain the trust of a potential client – and contract – than someone who is projecting her/his insecurity.

Confident people feel comfortable publicly sharing their achievements and their mistakes. They feel good about both their strengths and their weaknesses.

With action comes more confidence.

This is a good circle: action generates more confidence and the more confident we are the more action we take.

We are responsible for our self-confidence.

Ok, we can blame our parents for how they raised us, we can blame our teachers for how they treated us and many others, but once we become adults, the only person really responsible for our self-confidence is ourself and only ourself.

You cannot have self-confidence without self-love. 

You want to feel confident? Love yourself!