Balancing Tolerance and Boundaries

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. (Brené Brown) 

Having gone through two very tough years and a few weeks of hell, I had one concern during a business meeting: not losing my tolerance.

Having followed through with all tasks and responsibilities without making any allowances for how I was or what was going on in my life, I feared I might lose tolerance for others and expect them to have no excuses or to push themselves  equally hard. Which seemed to me unfair on them to some extent.

But – there is a ‘but’ here – the question came: what about boundaries? Again, a matter of balance: being tolerant and at the same time keeping boundaries.

It is essential that we keep boundaries – of roles, responsibilities, what is expected and what is accepted – within this tolerance. Otherwise there is an abuse : of patience, of understanding, of compassion, of love.

This week is about the balance between tolerance and boundaries, honoring my values of respect, integrity and fairness.

Is What You Are Doing Serving You?

Is what you are doing serving you?   

By serving you I mean does it bring you closer to your goal?

Is it congruent with your commitment to self-care? 

Does it support your growth, learning, and development?

Is it pulling you forward or is it pushing you back?

Does it feed any of your insecurities, fears, undesired beliefs and feelings?

Does it make you feel better and be better? 

If yes, good. Go on, keep doing it.

If not, stop. 

Go for What You Need

During a meeting yesterday, I mentioned the problem with delivering services that the client wants, whereas we must help them explore what it is that they need.

Talking with a colleague again today, the same topic came up.

On more than one occasion, an organization is open to discussing what their current challenges are and which needs are emerging, but even with this awareness they prefer to stick with what is familiar – what has been done in the past, or what others are doing.

This also happens with individuals: having just spoken with a friend, he knows what needs to be changed in his team, he knows that they do not get the results they need, he still opts for doing the same. No alternative approach is considered.

And with more personal issues: how many people suffer in a specific area of their life? And they may have a very good idea that their suffering is the result of x reasons. How do they approach the solution? By consistently doing the same thing. Over and over again. Expecting that something will change.

“What got you here won’t get you there” is not only the name of a very popular book of Marshall Goldsmith; it’s also a fact. How do we expect to be doing the same thing and get different results?

In January, I wrote a very short post about the power of our thoughts. It’s our thoughts that will define our lives ultimately. Our behaviors are a result of our thoughts and beliefs.

Yesterday I wrote about Control.

What is it that we must let go of, abandon, how do we need to reframe control, so that we can gain the outcomes that we need?

Learning is about courage. Have the courage to disengage emotionally from what you want, to get what you actually need.

What Got You Here Won't Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful

What do you focus on?

It is known that what we should focus on is found where the things that matter and the things we can control meet. Everything that falls into this space is where we should invest our energy, time and resources.

But here is the thing; there are two preconditions for that to happen:

a. Being aware of what matters to us and 

b. Accepting that we cannot control everything. 

What do you think? How easy is it for you to know what you should focus on? 

Define Your Values!

When values are defined, decisions are easy.

Helping out on a project lately, I was feeling stressed. Finally, I uncovered the real source of my stress: “I don't feel comfortable”, I said to another colleague, “I do not see our values reflected in the actions taken.”

Every time I start working with a new client, the first thing we explore together are values; personal values or the values of the organization. Most of the clients are skeptical of how much value values add to our work. But I am lucky enough to work with people who are curious and trust me, so they forget their reservations and we start. And once we have clarified values deeply, the magic begins!

Ideas that they have never previously considered open before their eyes, they gain new clarity on their path so far, and the path they want to create. They understand better or re-examine their vision and, most importantly, become capable of making decisions, choosing their resources, their partnerships, their next steps with ease.

Values help any individual make consistent decisions and sleep at night. They help us establish what is important in our life, shape our behavior and support our happiness.

For any organization one of the most important elements in the business building process is defining the values they stand for as an organization.

Stress and conflict is avoided while alignment and harmony are gained and motivation and commitment increases.

In both cases, we become able to attract the right people (partners, customers, employees) relevant to us, what matters to us and what we create.

We are systems, organisms, who are in the constant process of doing. And we need to make sure that our being (our values) is in harmony with that doing.

Take some time to explore and identify your values and what they mean to you. Then enjoy the benefits such clarity will bring to your decision making.