Getting over the Drama

A couple of weeks ago, I asked a friend to stop me if I start talking about any life dramas. 

“It's not drama”, she said referring to a specific situation. “It's an outrageous situation you are in”, she added. 

It didn't matter. I was very much preoccupied and influenced by Lisa' s latest blog post. And I decided to stop any negative narrative, justified or not. 

Of course we need to be able to express and not repress our stories. bad or good. We need to receive empathy and understanding, or just vent. We need to articulate a situation if our goal is to find a way out. We must learn to express our feelings and emotions and the things that frustrate us. 

So, there must be a reason for us to tell the story and here is my point: why am I sharing this story?

What is the reason I narrate my 'drama'? What is the purpose of telling this story? And how many times do I need to do that?

My request to my friend was very simple: “Next time you hear me talk about this again, stop me and ask these two questions: ‘What can be done?’ and ‘What will you do?’”

I think that in most situations, in most dramas in our life, there is always something that can be done. The question here, in this post, is how we use our story. Does it become our past, an experience, a lesson, something that teaches us how to navigate through it, or does it become who we are and what ultimately defines how we show up in our lives?

The choice is ours.

A Break and Four Lessons

Halfway through July, I had to take a break from blogging.

I was not without inspiration or time. I had at least the same amount of available time as before. I had successfully completed 6 months of my project of daily blogging, I was half-way to my goal, and ideas kept flowing inside my head.

What happened then?

The very important priority of care (for oneself and others) happened. After overcoming the initial guilt of not following through with my commitment – a nightmare for someone who values integrity enormously – I decided to see the opportunity of what this situation was teaching me.

So, after the inspiring lessons of the first 31 days, here are my very useful lessons of a necessary break:

Lesson 1

We can do anything we decide to do.

One of the things we must consider though is the price, the sacrifices. What is the price of a certain commitment? What will we need to let go, neglect, or forget during that time? Is the outcome worth the price? 

Lesson 2 

Commitment and flexibility do not go hand in hand. 

Once we have committed to something we cannot afford flexibility. So before starting, before committing, examine how important flexibility is for you, what kind of flexibility you would like to have, and how you can adjust the commitment. 

Lesson 3

Habits do not last. At least not in my case.

Throughout my life I have had many different habits depending on the place where I was living, the work I was doing, the hobbies I had. None of them lasted. 

After 6 months of the daily habit of blogging, writing had not become an automatic behavior or routine. 

Lesson 4

Make self-care a priority.

It's ok not to do something if this contradicts self-care. In this case, it is not about flexibility, it is about sustainability.

Exhausting Possibilities

When faced with situations the first impulse is to deal with them with what we know best. What we have done successfully in the past, what we feel comfortable doing, what we know doing. We see things from a specific perspective and the possibilities that we become aware of are a result of this perspective.

So, when we think we have exhausted all possibilities, we must remember this: we have exhausted all possibilities that are within our awareness. 

There are still unexplored possibilities and options.

And if indeed there is absolutely nothing that can be done, then maybe it’s time to consider if the situation is actually one that we can control. Then, another possibility appears: to accept what is, for we have no control over it. We can only adapt, adjust, or leave.

When you (think) you have exhausted all possibilities, remember: there is one more answer that hasn’t been thought of yet. 

Learn your craft. Know your craft. Honor your craft.

You decided to become a teacher, a plumber, a painter, a manager, a coach.

You honed some skills, you learned some theory. Is it enough?

The fact is, you are doing what everyone can do: you have acquired a craft. Learning your craft, really knowing it and honoring it, means continuing to develop it. That’s what the essense of a craft is about.

Diligently practice it, keep your knowledge and skills updated, research, pursue your constant improvement and growth.

And you may find that: 

• The more time you dedicate to developing your craft, the more you learn what you are capable of.
• You will develop more credibility as a skilled person/ professional.
• The more you learn, the more you can teach others.
• The more honed your craft is, the more you will stand out in your field.
• The further you go, the more you can create, because your understanding of your ability has grown.
• Your understanding of how things and processes work will improve.
• The greater the legacy you will leave behind. 

Inspire Learning

The verb “to learn” has no imperative form, I heard on the radio in a random interview.

True. We can teach but we cannot command someone to learn. What we can do is something better: we can inspire someone to learn. 

Make Your Mark and See Where It Takes You

To anyone whose fear has shut down a long-held dream. To anyone who is so focused on what they cannot do that they forget what they can do. To anyone who hesitates to start:

Just make a mark and see where it takes you.

This is the message of The Dot, Peter H. Reynolds' book about a girl who thinks she cannot draw.

Below is a video of a Spanish amination of the book.

You can watch an English version here.

“Donde hay un punto, hay un camino.”

(Where there is a mark, there is a path.)

The Dot

Study. Understand. Never forget.

47 years ago today a military coup marked the beginning of a very dark period for my country. On this anniversary, my post is dedicated to an important reminder about history: it is important to not only study history but to profoundly understand it and never forget its lessons.

“Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.” (Edmund Burke)

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." (George Santayana) 

Compassion

The best lesson I could have taught my nieces today: 

                            Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. 
                                                                                          Dalai Lama

On Missed Opportunities

A question arrived in my inbox today from an old client and very charismatic young man: Had you ever happened to get very close to what you believed to be the opportunity of a lifetime and miss it?

The question derived from a very recent experience where he had the opportunity to get what he believed to be his dream-job and didn’t make it.

The first thought was from a short conversation with an aunt of mine some years ago. I was visiting her for Easter when she asked me about the man I was dating. I told her about the breakup and she simply replied “well, it wasn’t him”.

My response every time someone tells me about how he or she lost the love of his or her life, or the opportunity of a lifetime is always the same: if it were the love of your life or the opportunity of your life, you wouldn’t have lost it.

I also remember the words of a client of mine: the master will appear when the student is ready.

In 1994, I might have missed my lifetime opportunity when I met with the Master of my dream-job. I say ‘might’ because I cannot know. Would I have been happy and successful in that path? I cannot know; I can only make assumptions. But what is the point of that?

So, here is my perspective on the missed opportunity of a lifetime:

1. If we have missed it, it wasn’t ‘our’ opportunity. If it is our opportunity we can chase it again and again until we make it.
2. I believe that we create our opportunities. If we are lucky enough to know what is it that we want, to know what our opportunity is like, then we go after it and we do not give up until we reach it.
3. My questions would be about what makes this our dream (job, partner, career, etc). How do we know it?
4. Finally, how ready are we for it? What are we doing to prepare ourselves to be ready when the master, the opportunity will appear?

I know that I have missed many chances because I wasn’t ready. I was too insecure, had little knowledge, less skills, less confidence, or I just wasn’t sure.

On the other hand, I have seized many other opportunities having no idea where they would lead me. Actually, those were simple things, tasks, hobbies, even problems, all opportunities in disguise.

And I know that I do not regret a thing because:

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Lesson of the Week

My greatest achievement (and lesson) in a very intense week:

On Learning and Courage

Today, some of Gianpiero Petriglieri's tweets were about learning and courage – and difficult conversations.

“Real learning takes and makes real courage”, he tweeted.

To follow up with “How much grown ups learn, how fast, depends on how much courage and permission we have to look at, and talk about, what’s easier to ignore.”

How do we define or perceive learning? For me learning is about improving, growing, evolving and developing. With this in mind, what is the role of courage?

I was thinking of the courage to detach ourselves from everything that we know, or we think we know. Once again the Bruce Lee story came to my mind and the cup we need to empty.

But the second tweet got me thinking. 

I am not sure what were the difficult (or delicate) conversations Gianpiero Petriglieri mentioned; I'll be waiting for his new article to find out. What I am sure of is that any kind of learning requires a great deal of self-awareness, at least from my perspective. Any knowledge starts with self-knowledge. From that perspective, what are the things that are easier to ignore?

If we gave ourselves permission and we had abundant courage, what would be the difficult conversations that we would be having with ourselves? 

Real learning takes and makes real courage.
— GianpieroPetriglieri (@gpetriglieri) March 18, 2014

Where Do You Look?

A few precious minutes with holocaust survivor Alice Herz-Sommer, interviewed by Anthony Robbins: "I look where it's good."

"This I learned: to be thankful for everything."  

 Alice Herz-Sommer, pianist, born 26 November 1903; died 23 February 2014.

The Freedom to Make Mistakes

Every week, in a class where the aim is to put learning into practice, I finish my introduction with an unorthodox call to action: “Now, let’s make some mistakes!”.

One day, I asked students why I invite them to make mistakes. The response was that mistakes are learning opportunity. 

Well, we have all heard that before, yet we still hesitate to create such an “opportunity”.

No, my call to action is actually saying dare to do things. It is about a different kind of opportunity, the kind that makes us more open when we allow ourselves not to be perfect and we feel ok with that.

photo credit: http://www.tienganhvui.com/2013/05/elbert-hubbard_13.html

The Negative Thought Trap (and a hidden upside)

There is a lot said – and written – about negative thinking. Just today Pick the Brain had an article on “15 Quotes to Help You Smash Negative Thinking”. It’s not an exaggeration to say that negative thoughts can consume our life. But how aware of them are we?

How many of us have had conversations where we were sharing our goals and the other person was responding with phrases like “it’s not easy”, “it will be hard for you”, “it’s not very realistic your goal”? 

What is happening in these cases? Does the other person intend to show empathy? To comfort you that your goal is difficult indeed and that it makes sense for you to meet difficulties? If there are statements of acknowledgment for setting the bar so high for oneself, it may be that we have an incomplete expression of empathy.

But, what if these phrases came from the other person's own negative thoughts, stated at a moment that you need their encouragement more than anything? 

Can we think about whether we have fallen into this trap? Whether we have projected our own negativity and perspective on the subject? Do we always create the space to explore the opportunities, rather than engage with the fear?  

Negative thoughts are not necessarily something we need to fight or ignore. With the right tools and approach, they can give us great insights about false beliefs and fears, challenge them and – why not – get rid of them.

We only need to be mindful of them and keep them for our own exploration, avoiding the trap of projecting them onto others.  

Keep Learning

photo credit: http://meanttobehappy.com

Breaks and Guilt

Last spring I took a break. I took a long break for the whole three months.

I never know when to take a break, usually I collapse before I do that. Maybe because I hate breaks: break ups, break-downs, all kind of breaks.

This time was different: this time the break was exploration and – hopefully – discovery time driven by the determination to find an answer; before even the slightest break-down.

The challenge wasn’t easy: keep the faith to someone no matter what. The actual situation I was in is of no importance here. What is important is the journey that it caused. I started digging, searching and researching. I studied a lot, I listened a lot, I asked every person I trusted could give me the Answer. 

The path led me to Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. My intuition told me that there lied my answer and I finally asked my friend and colleague Giuseppe. My intuition was – once again – right. The answer was found!

Giuseppe in excitement asked me the “rhetorical” question “Aren’t you happy to discover NVC?” “No”, I said without hesitation. I felt extremely guilty because now I had gained new awareness of more mistakes that I had made. 

The more I know, the worse I feel for all the answers that I ignored at the time. For all the mistakes I made. Dealing with them and the remorse when they only affect ourselves is easy. What happens when they affect others or our relationships with them?

I was with this sweet and bitter sense of my discovery for weeks. One day talking with a friend I confessed the guilt the new knowledge had brought to me. She very calmly said “we are humans, we make mistakes, we grow, we move on. Nothing to feel guilty about”.

The lightbulb in my head switched on! I remembered the message I had recently written to a colleague:

“Oh... so much to learn... And so good to know that time will never be enough: we will never be bored learning J”

We are humans and we are in a constant development. We take actions, we dare to do things and we make mistakes. There will be people that will give us a break and will forgive us and there will be others that will not.

My lessons?

1.     Start loving breaks. They provide a space of growth and occasionally anticipate other breaks.

2.     Relationships with solid foundations or with another brave person rarely break.

3.     Mistakes are human. (Oh, no! I am human…)

Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life By (author) Marshall B. Rosenberg

Big Lessons

My little niece is doing her homework. She has to calculate how many bananas 7 little monkeys will eat if they eat 3 bananas each. There is the easy and fast way to do this: 7 monkeys x 3 bananas and there you go. That’s not my niece’s way though. To my surprise, she starts painting the seven little monkeys and below each one their three bananas. My surprise then becomes bigger when I see that she is actually very good at painting them.

Yes, there is the easy and fast way to solve a problem and get the job done. And then, there is the fun way. What if it takes longer? The result will eventually be the same yet reached in a much more creative way J

Big lesson from a little person.