That's the question!

On Faith

Having faith

is

the COURAGE

to

take steps forward

even when

you don't know

how

the story is going to end.

Celebrating a life of Failures

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you do not try" 

                                                                              Beverly Sills

What's the deal with "Sorries"?

Last summer, while having a relaxing drink with a friend, he suddenly said something that hurt me. That particular incident was the last of a series of unfortunate and hurtful comments and behaviors from his side. I responded “you can say I am sorry”.

Why did I need his apology? After all, we were still there drinking alongside. Therefore, in a sense I had already forgiven his previous misbehaviors. In addition, I always hated apologies. We do what we do because we cannot help not doing it, because we feel that way, and because it can simply happen.

I got totally confused. I started wondering about what saying I am sorry is really about.

Over the last years I have learnt to apologize even for situations I had every excuse not to be perfect, not to be flawless and to make the mistake. Or even when situations exceeded my powers and my control. I strongly believe it is important to say: “I feel bad, I take responsibility, I understand I haven’t been right and I want you to know”.

When it comes to others, when someone hurts me, I simply forgive, no sorry required.

But why I needed to hear this time this little phrase?

Ironically, the following days I kept finding in front of me the famous quote from Love Story:

"Love means not ever having to say you're sorry."

I felt guilty for needing that sorry. Was I so insecure? Or – even worse – a hypocrite?

The quote reminded me that true love is unconditional. Love is compassionate and understanding. It reminded me of my aversion to the word and the act of sorry. Yet my need was still there.

Totally puzzled for weeks…

One night I was watching Becker on TV, the cynical misanthropic doctor that is constantly annoyed by anyone and anything. At that episode the insensitive doctor heard his friend Reggie lecturing him about sorry, telling him that saying I am sorry actually means I listen, I care.

That was it? This is why sometimes it is so crucial to hear those simple words? To be reassured that the other cares?

What if it is a little deeper? What if it means I believe you are good enough not to hurt you, not to abuse your tolerance, your understanding, your kindness.

To acknowledge that you are another human being that does not deserve to be hurt, even if it happened without any intention. A guilt-free approach, yet so powerful.  An acknowledgement that you are hurt and I do not wish that for you, reassuring your worth.

So, love doesn’t mean you have to say you are sorry, but love appreciates it when you do.

Three little words, eight characters, that can make a big difference in one’s heart and mind. 

Making a Story Happen

Searching the web for some resources, I stopped at the following: 

“If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation. If I got any comfort as I set out on my first story, it was that in nearly every story, the protagonist is transformed. He's a jerk at the beginning and nice at the end, or a coward at the beginning and brave at the end. If the character doesn't change, the story hasn't happened yet. And if story is derived from real life, if story is just a condensed version of life, then life itself may be designed to change us so that we evolve from one kind of person to another”.

Donald Miller, 

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life

I do not remember anymore what my research was about. What I had just come across was far more important.

It reminded me of my reply every time someone made a remark on my “career change”. “No, I do not change my career path, I evolve it”, was always my reply.

What was more important, it reminded me of the commitment I had taken, when I was 13 years old and deeply inspired by my school teacher, to live a life of constant self-improvement. To become the kindest person I could be. To live a life of bravery; To never surrender to conformity; To re-examine everything I know and I am; To live a life of transformation for the better.

Last weekend, I had the privilege to be part of another transformation. For practically 54 hours young people in Athens engaged themselves at the first STARTup live Athens. They made an admirable breakthrough, overcoming the fear and insecurity under which we live now in Greece, and they stepped outside their comfort zone in order to learn, improve and evolve.

The motivation was their startup idea and project.

The result?

Well, if life is a story that we write, and if the story isn’t created until the transformation has happened, then the result was many beautiful Stories J

Celebrating (my) Ignorance

This morning I came across the following quote by Mark Twain:

"They didn't know it was impossible, so they did it."


It made me smile and the more memories it brought from the times I have acted from that place of ignorance, the bigger my smile became.

Yep, I have countless stories to tell about impossible things made real in my life. Without the knowledge of what exactly I was getting into and totally unaware of the difficulties involved, any negative thoughts about potential obstacles were absent from my mind and thinking and I just did whatever I set out to do.

Today I am so happy I have been so ignorant most of my life J
What about you? Anyone else feeling good about being ignorant?

It is not the knot

I like talking with people a lot. I like listening to their political opinions, religious views, social concerns, relationships issues and other more personal stuff and problems. In short, about everything. And I like to explore with them different perspectives and possible solutions.

Sadly, most of the times when a good idea or solution is discovered, I hear the phrase: “The circumstances are not favorable”. To add to that “I (or We) have to wait for them to be favorable”.

Most of the times I get somehow irritated by this statement and respond telling or reminding the story of Alexander the Great and the Gordian Knot. In order to solve it, Alexander did not wait for the circumstances to be favorable. He just hacked it apart with his sword.

There are no “favorable” conditions for the solution of a problem. The only favorable condition is the existence of the problem itself.  Whenever there is a problem this is the only condition for a solution.   

So, next time you are faced with a problem, instead of spending time waiting for something that may not even exist, find the brave person determined to cut the knot. Or even better, BE that person!

The Promised Land

          "Promised land is not America,

           Promised land is  not Africa

           Promised land is not Europia

           Promised  land is a  STATE OF MIND"

           Majek Fashek

Put up, or give up!

"You have to put up with the risk of being misunderstood if you are going to try to communicate. You have to put up with people projecting their own ideas, attitudes, misunderstanding you. But it’s worth being a public fool if that’s all you can be in order to communicate yourself."   

Edie Sedgwick

(Yep, I am a fool and I'm loving it!)

Quero Apache Wisdom

Looking behind I am filled with gratitude, 
looking forward I am filled with vision, 
looking upwards I am filled with strength, 
looking within I discover peace.


Quero Apache Prayer

Breaks and Guilt

Last spring I took a break. I took a long break for the whole three months.

I never know when to take a break, usually I collapse before I do that. Maybe because I hate breaks: break ups, break-downs, all kind of breaks.

This time was different: this time the break was exploration and – hopefully – discovery time driven by the determination to find an answer; before even the slightest break-down.

The challenge wasn’t easy: keep the faith to someone no matter what. The actual situation I was in is of no importance here. What is important is the journey that it caused. I started digging, searching and researching. I studied a lot, I listened a lot, I asked every person I trusted could give me the Answer. 

The path led me to Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. My intuition told me that there lied my answer and I finally asked my friend and colleague Giuseppe. My intuition was – once again – right. The answer was found!

Giuseppe in excitement asked me the “rhetorical” question “Aren’t you happy to discover NVC?” “No”, I said without hesitation. I felt extremely guilty because now I had gained new awareness of more mistakes that I had made. 

The more I know, the worse I feel for all the answers that I ignored at the time. For all the mistakes I made. Dealing with them and the remorse when they only affect ourselves is easy. What happens when they affect others or our relationships with them?

I was with this sweet and bitter sense of my discovery for weeks. One day talking with a friend I confessed the guilt the new knowledge had brought to me. She very calmly said “we are humans, we make mistakes, we grow, we move on. Nothing to feel guilty about”.

The lightbulb in my head switched on! I remembered the message I had recently written to a colleague:

“Oh... so much to learn... And so good to know that time will never be enough: we will never be bored learning J”

We are humans and we are in a constant development. We take actions, we dare to do things and we make mistakes. There will be people that will give us a break and will forgive us and there will be others that will not.

My lessons?

1.     Start loving breaks. They provide a space of growth and occasionally anticipate other breaks.

2.     Relationships with solid foundations or with another brave person rarely break.

3.     Mistakes are human. (Oh, no! I am human…)

Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life By (author) Marshall B. Rosenberg

"To Solve" lists

Do you know those “To Do” lists? We’ve all probably made them at some point, or still do. 

Well, I have a “To Solve” list: a list of problems to be solved!  And the moment I check one thing off, just when I think I can relax now into a predictable routine, a new problem pops up and then the list goes on and on.

These days I have a long ‘To Solve” list again. Crisis management, time management, stress management, conflict resolution, problem solving skills, all there to be applied at a frantic rhythm. Excellent practice and experience, I think. Perhaps I should add it to my resume! J

 

Problem #1 (on my current list): checked ü  

Nine more to go! 

Ah… (my) life definitely never gets boring! 

The end of hope?

I avoid commenting on politics or writing political posts and status on my facebook profile.

What is happening in my country though, is hard not to influence my thoughts, feelings and actions (writing included).

Aristotle, in his book Politics, wrote that “man by nature is a political animal”. Back in the 4^th century BC to be political involved participation in various political responsibilities, being part of a society and contributing to the good of the whole.

As a political animal all my moments are about the drama that is taking place. Yet, this blog aims to inspire. How can I write something positive when I myself am struggling to stay optimistic about the future of this tiny spot on the map called Greece?

Like most of my fellow countrymen I feel pain. And the pain became bigger, accompanied by the shock of witnessing the atrocities of June 29^th that took place in Athens. I didn’t have to be there; I wasn’t a demonstrator. I chose to be there right at the heart of it all because I refuse to be terrorized by anyone and anything. I was a citizen; a political animal who wanted to show that no-one can infringe my right to move freely in a city even if it is has become a gas chamber.

It was because of all that happened that the next morning, after a sleepless night, still under shock, still angry, depressed and hopeless, I posted on my Facebook status:

"Democracy:

Born 508 B.C. in Athens.

Died 2011 A.D. in Athens."

And then I found this article in the New York Times. For hours the last sentence was stuck in my head “for we are all small powers now, and once again Greece is in the forefront of the fight for the future”. Driving away that night, the words “once again” were my Moment: our past was telling me that we will make it once again. We have done it before, we will do it again. There is hope. 

The most inspiring words I heard recently

"Love more. Be more."

by Dr Jean Houston

Where is Home?

I have many friends who are expats. This started to make me curious and I began to ask them where home is for them.

But I think, like every time we ask someone a question, we are not looking for their answers, we are searching for our own.

Most of these people had a clear answer to give me. Had I one for myself? Where is home for me?

If we consider home to be “a familiar setting”, then the closest thing to a home for me is my Punto.  Of course I have a house where I live. I consider it more of a base though, a place to keep my favorite objects and host my friends.

I chose a job that doesn’t restrict me geographically, that I could practice from any corner of the world.

Going back to my early childhood, I still remember the tiny white suitcase I kept beside my bed, all packed and ready to take and leave at any given moment. At that age the only things I needed were my Barbie dolls and their clothes.

Every time I go on a trip, every time friends or family ask me, I only give the date of departure. I do not take the return date for granted (nor do they anymore).

I have a home country that is an undeniable part of me, where I often feel an alien, and which I could leave again as I did in the past to make a new nest anywhere.

So, what makes home to me? Is home where my (gypsy) heart is?

Only one answer comes to my mind:

Home is where love is.

The transient nature of appearance

Every morning when I get up, I go to the living room window and check out the view. I have a nice view of Mount Parnitha and every day I observe the mountain to be different: Two days ago, the fog gave it a mysterious air. Yesterday, the sun was emphasizing its shape . Today the heavy rain made it invisible. Another day, the clouds or the snow make it seem so different.

If each day something as static as a mountain can give a different impression and still in our consciousness it is always there, always the same, then what about people? We have our own storms, our sunny days, our fogs that can come and go… does this alter who we are? How hard is it to give someone the benefit of the doubt because of a rainy day? 

Working It Out

Lately, problems (challenges, as we call them wickedly) have made my stress levels hit red. As a result my mind got engaged in a non-productive inner dialogue so I needed to urgently do something to shut the thing down. I immediately found an activity that keeps all irrelevant thoughts out: climbing! It worked perfectly. A couple of hours with only the worry of where and how to put your hands and feet. At some point the instructor suggested that I repeat something. I simply replied “No, I’ll pass; I am actually very lazy and avoid effort”. He looked at me surprised. All the people there go precisely to work hard on improving their climbing skills.

Later the same day I started thinking of an “old friend” if I can call him that. Our relationship was over because “it needed so much work”. So, I wondered. What is it that makes people work so hard training, sweating, spending hours challenging and improving their physical skills, but, when it comes to relationships “it’s too much work”?

I was lazy as an athlete too, and I never missed a good opportunity to skip training or part of it. I suspect this is the main reason I do almost everything well from the beginning. I am too lazy to practice again and again. On the other hand, when it comes to people and relationships, when it comes to my emotional / social skills, I never give up. I endure, I practice, I fight. And so I thought all people did. Until I heard that “it’s so much work”…

What is the criteria of what is worth working on and what is not? How can we so easily focus our efforts on something like climbing a wall or building the perfect fit body, but avoid any inconvenience to explore at least the potential of a relationship? What makes spending our energy on conquering that wall more important than spending it in making someone smile? And why is it considered an effort in the first place?

Even at bowling (another activity I tried for stopping the inner chatter), we have 10 shots for each game. The game is not decided by just one shot. Every player has the fair amount of 10 attempts. Yet in relationships and especially in love, most people won’t give more than one. Either you have a strike or you’re out of the game.

When is comes to relationships my endurance is endless and so are the shots I am willing to make. I take my chances, I make mistakes (too many I would say), I will not be able to have a strike from the beginning, but, hey, if I believe that it is worthy, if I see the potential, I am not lazy at all. 

Trust

I have a problem: I trust others easily. I have a strength: I can trust others. What is the fine line that defines when a characteristic is not longer a quality, but becomes a problem? How do I know how much trust is too much trust?

These last two weeks I was involved in some business transactions and as always I wasn’t very thorough with the details of the agreements. I trusted that the other side wouldn’t fool me. As you can see, I operate from this “every one is innocent until proven guilty” place. For me EVERYONE is trustworthy until proven otherwise.

Ok, on both occasions they were proven otherwise. They fooled me and I was really angry. Especially in the first instance, I was so angry I was about to call a friend who rarely trusts anyone and tell him “I wish I were more like you. This would never have happened to you!”

Then, the anger passed. I couldn’t give up trust and become a suspicious resentful me. What had I really lost? Some money? Big deal. I remembered my most important truth: giving up on trust carries more risks than being fooled. I may trust easily and maybe too much, but this brings me opportunities. It brings opportunities to others too. When I was working with children I trusted them to be more than the nasty, incompetent little brats the other teachers saw. I trusted they were smart, talented little treasures, and what do you know? They were!

Trust brings opportunities to my clients and to my friends. It brings me the opportunity to have a deeper connection with people, by simply trusting them.

Pat Obuchowski, a fellow coach, posted a couple of days ago her daily Mantra: “Want to build trust? Be more vulnerable.” Walter Anderson wrote that “We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” I say it takes courage to trust. Just like every time we let ourselves be vulnerable to others. And although the temptations and excuses to stop trusting are too many, the rewards of trusting are priceless. So, how do we skip the temptations? Maybe trust is like love. Having it is not enough; we need to keep feeding it so that it won’t fade.

I have a strength: I dare to trust others J

The Thin Book of Trust; An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work

In search of the perfect gift

This week is a friend’s birthday. I spent all day searching for the perfect gift. But what do you get to someone who has everything? Hmm…

Picking gifts is one of my favorite rituals. It doesn’t really require knowing the other very well. What it does require is understanding the other very well. Sense what will be the thing that will bring the big smile on their face. After all, isn’t this what gifts are all about? Bringing happiness, bringing joy, bringing big smiles?

What to buy to someone who has everything, or so it seems?

My dear T,

I wish you Courage. I wish Courage to go after life’s greatest adventure: Love.

I wish you Daring. I wish the Daring to believe in your dreams and their “compatibility”, and dare to live them.

I wish you Boldness. I wish you the Boldness to let your vulnerable part shine.

I wish you Bravery. I wish you the Bravery to have a fearless life. 
Love, K

Big Lessons

My little niece is doing her homework. She has to calculate how many bananas 7 little monkeys will eat if they eat 3 bananas each. There is the easy and fast way to do this: 7 monkeys x 3 bananas and there you go. That’s not my niece’s way though. To my surprise, she starts painting the seven little monkeys and below each one their three bananas. My surprise then becomes bigger when I see that she is actually very good at painting them.

Yes, there is the easy and fast way to solve a problem and get the job done. And then, there is the fun way. What if it takes longer? The result will eventually be the same yet reached in a much more creative way J

Big lesson from a little person. 

Parachutes

For me the expression “falling in love” has a totally literal meaning, as this is what I do: I completely let myself fall. And not only in love but in all kinds of relationships. I throw myself into the job I am doing, into the new hobby, and into the new people in my life.

It goes with out saying that most of the times the landing is not as gentle as expected. Of course I crash and then I have to recover and then I fall again, and crash again, and the same over and over…

So, 2 years ago I said to my coach: “Listen, Nicole, I need to find my parachute. I cannot help falling, so at least I should have a parachute!” And that was my assignment for the next two years. Yep, it wasn’t so easy to find. In my quest, I went skydiving last year. I needed to see how it would feel physically to surrender completely – with the safety of the parachute – and at the same time tick one more things off my bucket list.

It was a dead end… After landing the frustration was great. It was so much fun until the parachute opened! So, no solution there. And so I kept searching and thinking.

Then, one morning I woke up and I emailed Nicole: “I got it!!! I know what my parachute is: ME! I am my parachute!” I think I was even more excited by my discovery than Archimedes when he run through the streets naked crying “Eureka!”.

I was my parachute. It was up to me not to crash. I had all the knowledge, the skills, the brains not to let myself crash again.

So, I thought. I forgot the willingness to use them or the spirit and the mentality to do so. You see, for me having any kind of relationship with anyone and anything, involves a level (a very high level) of trust, passion and surrender. I offer myself to whatever and whoever it may be. No reservations, no precautions, nothing. Fully open, honest, to any romantic, friendly or professional relationship. That means I found out with the first chance in practice that this parachute wasn’t working, because I was just not using it. Frustration and back to the quest.

Until last evening driving back home, fast as usual. My quest was over, I had found my answer: I didn’t need any parachute. I didn’t want any parachute.

No life can be lived with protections and precautions. At least no life as I perceive it. The parachute means fear. It feeds the fear. How can I experience everything that is there if I slow myself down? Why should I want to slow down in the first place? Falling is great. Falling is amazing. Falling is life. I fall because I decide to live my life and not hide from it. Because I choose to love even with the risk of being hurt. But, if I don’t let myself be exposed to this risk, how else shall I even have a chance for love?

Not everybody will love us, not everybody will catch us, not everybody will fall with us. But you know something? If they do, it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

After all, with the knowledge now of so many crashes, there is no bad landing. There is only learning and growing, once we decide to see beyond the pain. And that’s what I choose. 

Incompatible Dreams

Two days ago a friend of mine told me that not all dreams are compatible. That we can have, for example, two dreams that are totally incompatible one with another, and that is ok. Hearing that, both my mind and my spirit impulsively revolted at the idea.

Since I was a child, my dream was to live in a boat. As close to the sea as possible, yet attached to land and always ready to sail for any destination the wind should take me. Soon I became aware of another dream of mine: to have my own garden. Now that was an incompatible dream according to my friend. I obviously could not have a garden on my boat. So, what do I choose? Should I sacrifice one dream for the other?

The solution for me is easy. One day I would have my boat, my second home. I would live in a regular house, if lucky with my own garden, if not with a shared one and big verandas for my plants and then I would have my boat to spend as much time as possible, to sail away as possible.

To my understanding the solution is never giving up on one of the “incompatible” dreams. I do not believe in incompatible dreams in the first place. It is our perception that gives them this stamp. And once they are stamped as that, then it is ok not to pursue them anymore. If we say that what we dream of is incompatible, that’s what it is. If we say – as my father keeps telling me – that everything is possible, then no dream will be incompatible anymore. All it takes is to think outside of the box. To be more precise, other people’s boxes, those who “educate” us in what is compatible and what not. How much to dream and how much to pursue. What makes sense and what not.

I have many dreams. I have never stopped dreaming. Occasionally I catch myself doubting my strength to go after them; my ability to achieve them; my worthiness to live them. I may question my self, but I have never questioned my dreams or the possibility that they are all compatible, no matter how contradictory they sound.

 George Bernard Shaw wrote:

“You see things; and you say ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’”

It is the fact that some dreams have never been combined to the understanding of people that makes them seem incompatible. Our world is full of great things that never were until someone came and acted from that “why not?” point of view.

Funnily enough, the dreams that were torturing my friend, were the exact dreams that another man I know is living. Ok, with a lot of help from his soul mate, who also never saw them as incompatible.  Maybe, all it takes is to ignore what we have been taught to be compatible and expected. Maybe all it takes is to find the other soul that will partner with our dreams. 

I will keep with my own dreams. I never judge them, criticize or approve them as unrealistic, unachievable, or incompatible one with another. I just accept them as they are. After all they are my dreams and they only need to make sense to me.