Lately, problems (challenges, as we call them wickedly) have made my stress levels hit red. As a result my mind got engaged in a non-productive inner dialogue so I needed to urgently do something to shut the thing down. I immediately found an activity that keeps all irrelevant thoughts out: climbing! It worked perfectly. A couple of hours with only the worry of where and how to put your hands and feet. At some point the instructor suggested that I repeat something. I simply replied “No, I’ll pass; I am actually very lazy and avoid effort”. He looked at me surprised. All the people there go precisely to work hard on improving their climbing skills.
Later the same day I started thinking of an “old friend” if I can call him that. Our relationship was over because “it needed so much work”. So, I wondered. What is it that makes people work so hard training, sweating, spending hours challenging and improving their physical skills, but, when it comes to relationships “it’s too much work”?
I was lazy as an athlete too, and I never missed a good opportunity to skip training or part of it. I suspect this is the main reason I do almost everything well from the beginning. I am too lazy to practice again and again. On the other hand, when it comes to people and relationships, when it comes to my emotional / social skills, I never give up. I endure, I practice, I fight. And so I thought all people did. Until I heard that “it’s so much work”…
What is the criteria of what is worth working on and what is not? How can we so easily focus our efforts on something like climbing a wall or building the perfect fit body, but avoid any inconvenience to explore at least the potential of a relationship? What makes spending our energy on conquering that wall more important than spending it in making someone smile? And why is it considered an effort in the first place?
Even at bowling (another activity I tried for stopping the inner chatter), we have 10 shots for each game. The game is not decided by just one shot. Every player has the fair amount of 10 attempts. Yet in relationships and especially in love, most people won’t give more than one. Either you have a strike or you’re out of the game.
When is comes to relationships my endurance is endless and so are the shots I am willing to make. I take my chances, I make mistakes (too many I would say), I will not be able to have a strike from the beginning, but, hey, if I believe that it is worthy, if I see the potential, I am not lazy at all.
Actually even in business is about relations. I am not buying what you sell if I dont like YOU.You are soooooo right! Akis
ReplyDeleteWhen two people like each other, their chemistry makes the relationship develop so natural, and easy, and the "efforts" are ways of showing love and gratitude..don't ask for love..give love, and it will come back to you, from the people that really worth your love. Oana
ReplyDeletechemistry is not enough... you need to work it out... ;-) you need to communicate....
ReplyDeleteOana, in an ideal world you would have been absolutely right. But we are not living in an ideal world. We face problems and challenges everyday of our live. Some are internal (our fears and insecurities), other external (current circumstances, environment,..). They all create obstacles.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous is right that chemistry in not enough. What will happen with chemistry if we don't have the courage to keep it?
It's like connection. We meet people with whom we can have a connection - if we allow ourselves to. But if we don't work on it, if we don't feed it with real communication, the connection will be lost.
Akis, it's every where. I do not discriminate business or personal life. Unfortunately I have seen people that feel more comfortable working out their professional relationships than their personal. As if it is safer, more "rewarding", easier, to do so.
ReplyDeleteActually, with professional, family relationships etc. often we work at it because we have no choice. These are people we have not chosen but who we have to get on with. In friendship and love, we can chose who we are with, so why would anyone want to be in a relationship that needs hard work to maintain? When there are other people out there with whom we can have a good relationship with effortlessly?
ReplyDeleteYou ask "What is the criteria of what is worth working on and what is not?" Well, I guess that (for some of us, at least) we work on the things we have no choice about or when we are in pursuit of achievement (career, promotion, developing a skill). And because we work so hard at these, we expect other areas to be easier. Because easy relationships do exist, and since they do, some people do not want to keep spending their energy on making a hard relationship work, when there may be an easy one just around the corner! Maria
Thumbs up for easy relationships!:) where I feel comfortable, natural, free to express myself and accepted for who I am, where I make fun, laugh, and make love!
ReplyDeleteWe are unique and we shouldnt compare each other. When we stop comparing and accept who we are, then we realize that there are no stupid or smart, ugly or beautiful, short or tall, but just diverse people. So we see the insecurities go away..and the fears..we are survivors anyhow, so if I have achieved anything in my life, according to my measurments, since I'm unique, what I have and who I am is good enough for me and I'm happy. External obstacles? Hm since they are external and probably I can do little to change them, I can then accept them, overcome, avoid, or try to turn them in my favor.
If I set my mind to think that my life is good, then my life IS good and you'll see me smilling! Oana
Maria, I think you are commenting on something that wasn’t said or implied. It is not about wanting to be in a relationship that needs hard work to maintain. There is difference between “work out”, “work hard” and “suffer”, or as I would say in greek the difference between "θέλει δουλειά" and "παιδεύομαι".
ReplyDeleteIt was a happy coincidence for me to listen to Hale Dwoskin’s interview last night where he said: «If anyone tells you relationships are not work, they are certainly not telling you the truth! Especially if it’s a relationship with the opposite sex. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus in the way we see things and we often forget that. Because we don’t realize we have some basic difference in our programming. It requires work to find communality and mutuality. Even if you’re absolutely certain you are with your soulmate, it’s a process.»
Each person is unique and each one of us is different, therefore responds or reacts differently to whatever is or happens. We embrace that and we explore the wonderful process of what we will discover and how we will develop and grow from our connection and relationship. But only if we allow oursleves to be there and not expect to have it everything easy. It cannot be, just by the simple fact that honest deep relationships that move us forward are processes.
Having said that, I wondered and I was surprised to realize that there are people who work so hard, practice again and again, push their body to the limits to conquer something like a wall, or win a game, yet avoid the least work (or effort) to give a relationship and another human being a chance. Hard working when there is not emotional risk (and no emotional attachment of course) and lazy when there is an emotional process.
And, regarding choices, from my perspective, we always have a choice: I can choose to improve my relationship with my parents and move beyond the traumas or have a typical contact. I can choose to work hard to get that promotion or get an easy job.
Remember: even the easiest relationship needs mutuality. And that requires social and emotional skills with which we haven’t be born with, but which we develop throughout our life. We work on those and we practice them ;-)
So, it’s not about making a hard relationship work (that wasn’t even the topic), but the willingness to give chances and not abandon people from the beginning, the strenthg if you like, that we show in physical activities, to show it with the people that are worthy.
My dear Oana, you just described the work you and your partner have being doing: accepting the other for who you are. Give each other the space to be different and move forward and together with that. This is not easy as it sounds. It’s one of the biggest challenges ;-)
ReplyDeleteNow, about external circumstances, it’s not about what we can do, but how they can affect us, and our relationships. Let’s give some examples: if I am unemployed, the stress can appear in my daily life. Should my partner or friends be compassionate about it and patient with my stress or anxiety? Different people act out differently. If I am in a very stressing or difficult situation, should the people in my life walk out on me, because during this period I need their support and understanding?
But I am sure you know all that, because you practice all that with your partner: compassion, understanding, listening, giving, appreciation, respect ☺
"On the other hand, when it comes to people and relationships, when it comes to my emotional / social skills, I never give up. I endure, I practice, I fight. And so I thought all people did"
ReplyDeleteActually, I was responding to this. As a person who does give up, I was trying to explain how someone who does not endure, practice or fight when it comes to people and relationships but will show perseverance in other areas of her life might view things. I give up because I feel that life is too short and that when there are easy relationships to be had (and yes, for some of us, relationships are not work) why fight for the hard ones? Just another way of viewing things...
As for the men are from Mars, women are from Venus stuff, I completely disagree. All people are from earth as far as I am concerned and differences between people come down to personality more than their sex. Maria
Two cents from me...
ReplyDelete1. I think people are programmed in a way that they can fight hard only for one thing at a time. So if you are fighting at thins point for your career you cannot fight also for your relationship. The problem here is not that you will decide at a certain period of time that now you will fight for your relationship but the other person also needs to decide it at the same time with you. Timing is always a problem.
2. Sometimes we need to have the patience to let the things mature. Looking back to some events of my life I can see now how some of them which seemed to me tragic back then are not so black any more. Do they hurt? Sure! But I would not cry my eyes out for the same things now. So apart from working on something we also need patience, ability to let the time work its way through, like the spring water trapped between rocks.
But of course the most important question for you to ask is whether what you have is worth of working hard, is it worth of showing all that patience and defining from the beginning of the story where is the line that you will not cross over and let others exploit your love, kindness, patience and instead of a giving person become ... the milch cow of the relationship.
Aida