Parachutes

For me the expression “falling in love” has a totally literal meaning, as this is what I do: I completely let myself fall. And not only in love but in all kinds of relationships. I throw myself into the job I am doing, into the new hobby, and into the new people in my life.

It goes with out saying that most of the times the landing is not as gentle as expected. Of course I crash and then I have to recover and then I fall again, and crash again, and the same over and over…

So, 2 years ago I said to my coach: “Listen, Nicole, I need to find my parachute. I cannot help falling, so at least I should have a parachute!” And that was my assignment for the next two years. Yep, it wasn’t so easy to find. In my quest, I went skydiving last year. I needed to see how it would feel physically to surrender completely – with the safety of the parachute – and at the same time tick one more things off my bucket list.

It was a dead end… After landing the frustration was great. It was so much fun until the parachute opened! So, no solution there. And so I kept searching and thinking.

Then, one morning I woke up and I emailed Nicole: “I got it!!! I know what my parachute is: ME! I am my parachute!” I think I was even more excited by my discovery than Archimedes when he run through the streets naked crying “Eureka!”.

I was my parachute. It was up to me not to crash. I had all the knowledge, the skills, the brains not to let myself crash again.

So, I thought. I forgot the willingness to use them or the spirit and the mentality to do so. You see, for me having any kind of relationship with anyone and anything, involves a level (a very high level) of trust, passion and surrender. I offer myself to whatever and whoever it may be. No reservations, no precautions, nothing. Fully open, honest, to any romantic, friendly or professional relationship. That means I found out with the first chance in practice that this parachute wasn’t working, because I was just not using it. Frustration and back to the quest.

Until last evening driving back home, fast as usual. My quest was over, I had found my answer: I didn’t need any parachute. I didn’t want any parachute.

No life can be lived with protections and precautions. At least no life as I perceive it. The parachute means fear. It feeds the fear. How can I experience everything that is there if I slow myself down? Why should I want to slow down in the first place? Falling is great. Falling is amazing. Falling is life. I fall because I decide to live my life and not hide from it. Because I choose to love even with the risk of being hurt. But, if I don’t let myself be exposed to this risk, how else shall I even have a chance for love?

Not everybody will love us, not everybody will catch us, not everybody will fall with us. But you know something? If they do, it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

After all, with the knowledge now of so many crashes, there is no bad landing. There is only learning and growing, once we decide to see beyond the pain. And that’s what I choose.