On Identity

Driving home yesterday I was reflecting on my identity. Having grown up in a Greek family, having received a Greek and French education and having spent most of my childhood holidays with Flemish friends, I found my freedom, true identity and the culture that defined me the most in my hometown of two years: Barcelona.

Every culture, every education, every person, teacher, or environment can influence us only to the point we allow it to do so. It’s not so much a case of how long we will be exposed to it, him or her. The influence and its impact depend only on our willingness, openness and how it, he or she can resonate with what we already have inside us and waits to be revealed or find the voice of expression.

For me it was Barcelona and although the influences are countless and on too many different levels and fields – arts, business, education, structures, architecture, planning etc – I distinguish the one that came to my mind driving: Solidaritat *

Solidaritat, in a very conscious, organized, humanistic form.

What about you? What did you or will you allow to shape and define your identity?

*Solidarity in catalan 

Important Notice

The first development is self development. 

No Straight Lines

This is a relatively popular sketch of what the road to success – or through life – is most likely to be. The focus is mainly on expectation vs reality.

Another way of seeing this is through the wisdom of a friend’s grandfather:

Life is going to have its ups and downs, its peaks and valleys, that is certain. The secret is that you do not get stuck in any of the downs; you will pass through them and you will move on.

Any point on this road is momentary. Something we should never forget, especially during the dreadful downs; never confuse something that can be a momentary situation with permanent reality. 

Good Advice

It always works. 

Negotiating with Oneself

Negotiation is the process of discussion between two or more parties, who seek to find a solution to a common problem, one that meets their needs and interests acceptably.

When we negotiate we want to arrive at the settlement of some matter.

We are used to considering the negotiations we make with others. What about the negotiations we could make with ourselves?

How many of our daily routines, obligations, commitments, etc are serving as much our own needs and interests as they are serving other people’s needs?  What happens when a commitment we made to ourselves is contradicting our self-care and well-being, or simply needs to be re-examined? How much flexibility should we have to negotiate our commitments? 

The Unavoidable Priority of Self Care

Are You Part of the Solution or Are You Part of the Problem?

Far too many people do too little or nothing.

I think it is safe to say that the majority of the people choose to stay silent and constantly look to others to speak up and fix issues that they have just as much power on their own to fix.

Can you stay in the middle? For how long and for what?

Can you sit on the sidelines?

Does not helping make you part of the problem?

Any problem, any issue no matter how big or small you consider it to be. For everything forms and shapes our reality and the world around us.

Being a bystander is not an option anymore. It has never been.

“There is no more neutrality in the world. You either have to be part of the solution, or you're going to be part of the problem.” Eldridge Cleaver

People who aren't actively part of the solution are ultimately a part of the problem – any problem – because they have the opportunity to assist or contribute to solving the issue, even by speaking up, and they don’t.

Choose what you are.

The True Students

A tale of Nasreddin Hodja: 

A group of people came to Nasreddin's house and asked him to be their teacher. He agreed and told them to accompany him to the Sufi lodge for their first lesson. He then proceeded to get on his donkey, riding backward, and led the group across town. The townspeople all laughed at Nasreddin and jeered at the group of gullible fools for following him.

By the time they got to the Sufi lodge, most of the group was gone. One of those who remained asked, "Nasreddin, why were you riding backward?" Nasreddin answered, "Well, you know it isn't polite for students to walk in front of their teacher. And it wouldn't have been right for me to turn my back on all of you. So this was the only way to do it!"

Nature vs Responsibility

The Scorpion And The Frog

One day a scorpion was walking along the riverbank trying to find a way to get across the river that separated him from his desired location when he came across a frog sitting alongside the riverbank. The scorpion walked up to the frog and asked the frog if he would take him across the river. The frog quickly replied, "No, I would not give you a ride." The scorpion then asked him why. The frog replied, "Because if I gave you a ride on my back you would sting me and I would drown." Quickly the scorpion replied, "But, if I stung you then you would drown and if you drown then I would drown also." The frog thought for a moment and then said, "I guess you're right, then I will give you a ride." The scorpion jumps on the frog's back and they start crossing the river. Half way across the river the frog suddenly feels a sharp pain in his back, as the scorpion stings him. The frog immediately starts to panic as he feels the venom race through his veins and he quickly begins to become paralyzed. Just as he is taking his last breath and about to go down, the frog looks at the scorpion and asks "Why did you do it? You promised not to sting me! Now we are both going to drown!" The scorpion replies, "I'm sorry, but I could not help it - it's my nature".

I was reminded of this story today by a friend, when I asked him why he kept doing something that apparently hadn’t brought the best results in the past. "Because it’s in my nature" he replied, "like in the story of the scorpion and the frog".

"Nonsense", was my reply. "We are our nature". 

For the first time I saw this story as an excuse for not assuming responsibility for our behaviors. 

Has “constructive criticism" killed off our judgment?

Photo credit: http://freecriticism.tumblr.com/

 Free Criticism No.1 poster (typography by Alex Rich)

In a culture that worships feedback and has become intolerant with any unfavorable comment, in a culture where (the oxymoron) “constructive criticism” has become the holy grail of passing judgment, are we losing the value of genuine criticism and our critical abilities?

What is criticism?

Criticism is the practice of judging the merits and faults of something or someone in an intelligible (or articulate) way.

"You just never give up, no matter how hard the challenges are, and observe this world with a healthy dose of criticism and don't just follow the herd like somebody else might do." (Renny Harlin)

Does criticism have to be “constructive”?

No. The primary purpose of criticism is not to please. It’s not even to correct. It’s about identifying and pointing out what is right and wrong. What works and what doesn’t.

It is not feedback.

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing." (Elbert Hubbart)  

From the moment you put your work, your actions, your views out there they are open to criticism. You have to accept the fact that they will be criticized. 
You cannot criticize the critics for criticizing (oh, the irony). You can reject the criticism, ignore it, defend your views and actions or enter into a dialogue. But you cannot attack them for exercising their right to have an opinion and a point of view. 

"I much prefer the sharpest criticism of a single intelligent man to the thoughtless approval of the masses." (Johannes Kepler)

18 Ways to Cheer Yourself up Instantly

1. Accept your emotions. Sadness, fear, anxiety, fatigue, a bad day … it is what it is. Give yourself the permission to be human.

2. Talk to someone you love. Whether it is a close friend, your SO, your mother, call that person who’s always there for you and let them know you could use a little cheering up.

3. Catch up with an old friend.

4. Take a walk outside, get some fresh air, haste slowly and look at your surroundings with curious eyes. 

5. Watch the Muppets, a funny movie, or just this video:

6. Put some music on to uplift your spirit. Listen to something inspiring and upbeat.

7. Cook yourself your favorite meal.

8. Write, sing, paint; do any creative work.

9. Make – and chase – some bubbles.

10. Exercise or dance. Any physical activity will do. It will get your endorphins going.

11. Cheer someone else up.

12. Hug! Hug someone, even a stranger. Hugs release endorphins too.

13. Hang out – preferably play – with kids.

14. Pamper yourself: take a long hot shower or bath, a nap, allow yourself to be lazy.

15. Make a list with everything in your life that you are grateful for, all the things you are happy about in your life.

16. Do something awesome.

17. Do a little research and blog about things to cheer yourself up.

18. Smile and remember: it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.

Under Construction

A Perspective on Love in Modern Times

In this video philosopher Yann Dall’ Aglio gives his wise and witty reflections on the state of love in the modern age.

It's Not Cool, It's Rude

Yesterday’s post was about politeness. It was not by coincidence.

Lately, I am observing more and more a lack of politeness and manners in many behaviors.

I watch people that hold positions of power treat anyone they view as holding an “inferior” position aggressively, as if their title automatically entitles them to be arrogant and offensive.

I watch people talk in a way that they think is cool or direct, when in reality, they are just being rude.

I watch people practice violent communication without a second thought, thinking that they are smart and eloquent, when they are just insulting and bad mannered.

I see it everyday and everywhere. News, tv interviews, social media, even professional interactions.  We have become so accustomed to it, we do not even notice. 

All kind of leaders show the way to it. “Noblesse oblige”, say the French, “or superior advantages bind you to larger generosity” (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

Good manners are not a sign of weakness. Politeness, genteelness are signs of a decent, civilized human being.

If you are a leader – or want to call yourself that – more so: practice respectful, non-violent, mannerly communication. It is part of your larger generosity and responsibility.

On Politeness

“For me, politeness is a sine qua non of civilization.”

Robert A. Heinlein

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”

Eric Hoffer

“Politeness [is] a sign of dignity, not subservience.”

Theodore Roosevelt

“Deep in my heart politeness impresses me more than competence.”

Amit Kalantri

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word – politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.”

Fran Lebowitz

“To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.”

Benjamin Franklin 

Who’s a Coach Anyway?

I was always hesitant when asked what it is I do. I would reply “I am a coach” and see a questioning look in the eyes of the other person.

Coaching is one of those professions that still causes some confusion. It is not surprising that this happens.

I will not explore the reasons why this happens, but I will try to shed some light on what coaching is, on who is a coach.

Of the many definitions of coaching, there is one in particular I love, from Philippe Rosinski:

“Coaching is the art of facilitating the unleashing of people’s potential to reach meaningful, important objectives.”

A coach is a facilitator, a catalyst. Great coaches are professionals devoted to mastering the art of helping people discover their potential and overcome obstacles. This potential is going to be developed, in partnership with the client, so that they will reach their goals. Not just any goals: goals that are relevant to their values and vision, that make their life meaningful.

Once I was asked “what makes you an expert in other people’s life?”. I am not. My commitment and responsibility is to be an expert in coaching. To master the art, to know the tools, techniques and approaches, to learn the science behind the practice and to keep developing and sharpening my skills and increasing my knowledge. So that I can be the best partner for my client.

Who is the expert in the client’s life? The client him/herself. Coaches honor the client as the expert in his/her life and believe everyone is creative, resourceful and whole.

Coaching is a fast growing industry for one reason only: it works. With the help of recent research from neuroscience we begin to learn why it works.

Coaching might not seem a regulated profession to “outsiders” but to us, the professionals in this field it is: it is self-regulated. One of the organizations that seeks to advance the Art, Practice and Science of professional coaching is the International Coach Federation, in which I have the honor of being the Coordination Team leader for the EMEA region.

Like any other profession there is studying, certifications, a code of ethics and credentials and we take them very seriously and pursue them passionately.

Like any other profession, there are people who will exploit a catchy title (“coach”) to promise anything – at super high cost – to clients. But, would you hire someone to do a job before asking about his/her credentials? Why do that when hiring a coach?

So, who’s a coach anyway?

A professional who has studied the science of coaching, who is able to masterfully practice it and who is committed to sharpening the skills of this art. Someone who provides specific services to his/her clients – with an exceptionally high ROI.

Some additional resources:

-  Here is an old but still pretty accurate article that helps distinguish fact from fiction.

-  Coaching FAQ’s from the International Coach Federation.

The Adventure of Life

“I could see how my life was going to be 20 years from now. I knew exactly where I would be, what I would be doing and I didn’t like what I was seeing at all.”

I was listening to my friend carefully, at the same time reflecting on my inability to answer the simple question “what are you going to do this weekend?”.

There we were; the two extremes: one who could see everything about his life in the future and one who had absolutely no idea, not even for the following day.

Around 20 years ago, I had my entire future before me: a very organized, safe life. I felt unhappy even at the thought of it and I left the country (and that future) immediately.

Not knowing where I am going to be is not at all scary. For me, insecurity is not about the future. It is about the here and now: how to overcome the difficulties of an adverse environment. The future? It can only be exciting, like an adventure, and I do not need to know every part of it, like in all genuine adventures.  

For an open agenda

“Make sure you are expressing your goals and vision”, I read in an article. “As part of your motivation, your values and as part of what you stand for” it continued.

Oh, how different things would be if only people were expressing their true goals and we all knew who was standing for what.  If everyone, especially our aspiring leaders in any field, expressed their true agenda openly and honestly, how followers would respond then?

"Openness, transparency - these are among the few weapons the citizenry has to protect itself from the powerful and the corrupt." (Michael Moore) 

Smile

A wonderful day is coming to its end. A day characterized by smiles:

The familiar smile of the staff at the neighborhood bakery; the smile of the client who may be miles away but which I can hear and feel over the phone; the smile of a friendly and relaxed audience, surprisingly laughing at my jokes; the smile of a good friend over a glass of wine; the loving smile of my nieces; the flirtatious smile of a young man.

Above all my smile. My wide, sincere, straight from the heart smile to all. 

Swept Away

Sitting at a random port, looking at the sea, with the following words crossing not my mind, but my heart:

          "My soul is full of longing
           for the secret of the sea,
           and the heart of the great ocean
           sends me a thrilling pulse through me."
                             Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Learn your craft. Know your craft. Honor your craft.

You decided to become a teacher, a plumber, a painter, a manager, a coach.

You honed some skills, you learned some theory. Is it enough?

The fact is, you are doing what everyone can do: you have acquired a craft. Learning your craft, really knowing it and honoring it, means continuing to develop it. That’s what the essense of a craft is about.

Diligently practice it, keep your knowledge and skills updated, research, pursue your constant improvement and growth.

And you may find that: 

• The more time you dedicate to developing your craft, the more you learn what you are capable of.
• You will develop more credibility as a skilled person/ professional.
• The more you learn, the more you can teach others.
• The more honed your craft is, the more you will stand out in your field.
• The further you go, the more you can create, because your understanding of your ability has grown.
• Your understanding of how things and processes work will improve.
• The greater the legacy you will leave behind. 

Reminder

Regaining Integrity

“Can you restore your integrity and if yes, how?” was the first question I received after the previous post, followed by the second question “What does integrity mean to you?”

The first answer is easy: Yes.

Of course we can restore integrity, like, I believe, we can restore anything – with more or less effort. The "how" is directly connected with the second question: what is integrity actually?

The dictionary defines Integrity as the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. So, if we are honest and we have strong moral principles, we live a life of integrity, right?

Well, actually no. Having strong moral principles is one thing. Following them in all situations is another. Perhaps that is why I like the quotation “Integrity means that you are the same in public as you are in private.” This is the honesty that I appreciate.

Now back to the question of how it can be restored - just by making the decision and the commitment to be honest and to act in all situations according to our values and moral principles.

But that is not the problem. The real problem and challenge is whether we can restore what had been compromised when we lost our integrity: trust. You see, when we gamble with out integrity through the compromises we make which we think that are indispensible, there is an important collateral damage: losing the trust of others. Then, the question becomes if and how we restore trust.

Think personal, but think business too: what does it mean losing the trust of your partner, your friends, your peers, your clients,…

Bottom line is: never gamble with your integrity. The long-term losses are much higher that any temporary gain.