Last summer, while having a relaxing drink with a friend, he suddenly said something that hurt me. That particular incident was the last of a series of unfortunate and hurtful comments and behaviors from his side. I responded “you can say I am sorry”.
Why did I need his apology? After all, we were still there drinking alongside. Therefore, in a sense I had already forgiven his previous misbehaviors. In addition, I always hated apologies. We do what we do because we cannot help not doing it, because we feel that way, and because it can simply happen.
I got totally confused. I started wondering about what saying I am sorry is really about.
Over the last years I have learnt to apologize even for situations I had every excuse not to be perfect, not to be flawless and to make the mistake. Or even when situations exceeded my powers and my control. I strongly believe it is important to say: “I feel bad, I take responsibility, I understand I haven’t been right and I want you to know”.
When it comes to others, when someone hurts me, I simply forgive, no sorry required.
But why I needed to hear this time this little phrase?
Ironically, the following days I kept finding in front of me the famous quote from Love Story:
"Love means not ever having to say you're sorry."
I felt guilty for needing that sorry. Was I so insecure? Or – even worse – a hypocrite?
The quote reminded me that true love is unconditional. Love is compassionate and understanding. It reminded me of my aversion to the word and the act of sorry. Yet my need was still there.
Totally puzzled for weeks…
One night I was watching Becker on TV, the cynical misanthropic doctor that is constantly annoyed by anyone and anything. At that episode the insensitive doctor heard his friend Reggie lecturing him about sorry, telling him that saying I am sorry actually means I listen, I care.
That was it? This is why sometimes it is so crucial to hear those simple words? To be reassured that the other cares?
What if it is a little deeper? What if it means I believe you are good enough not to hurt you, not to abuse your tolerance, your understanding, your kindness.
To acknowledge that you are another human being that does not deserve to be hurt, even if it happened without any intention. A guilt-free approach, yet so powerful. An acknowledgement that you are hurt and I do not wish that for you, reassuring your worth.
So, love doesn’t mean you have to say you are sorry, but love appreciates it when you do.
Three little words, eight characters, that can make a big difference in one’s heart and mind.
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