A Perspective on Love in Modern Times

In this video philosopher Yann Dall’ Aglio gives his wise and witty reflections on the state of love in the modern age.

Choosing Who to Trust

Today was an interesting chain of 'trust happenings':

First, as part of the International Coaching Week’s celebrations, two pro bono sessions with people who trusted that I was the person to help them.

Followed by a call by someone who needed my assistance in a situation.

All three persons were unknown to me until this morning.

In the evening, a conversation with my nieces about honesty (and trust).

And finally, a class on the topic “Creating Trust” – oh, the coincidence!

In Charles Feltman’s book, "The Thin Book of Trust", he defines the four distinctions (assessments) of trust: 

1. Sincerity – “I mean what I say, say what I mean, and act accordingly.”
2. Reliability – “You can count on me to deliver what I promise!”
3. Competence – “I know I can do this. I don’t know if I can do that.”
4. Care – “We’re in this together.”

In each one of the above cases, the persons who trusted in me – even the students who showed up at the Trust class – have in one way or another assessed me in these four distinctions before being sure that I am the one (coach, trainer or aunt) that they can trust.

We all want to be in situations and relationships of abundant trust. That’s where we thrive, where we can be our authentic self, make our best decisions, take risks and evolve.

We want to have trust in our politicians, in our partners, in our bosses, in our family and friends. How about the trust that others can have in us?

And how about the trust that we have in ourselves?

The question I left my students with today was not only about steps to create or increase trust from the perspective of these four distinctions, but also about the steps and actions needed to maintain these, to maintain Trust.

What about you? How do you build trust? How do you maintain trust? 

Photo: Kevin Colton, from Ronen "Roni" Koresh's work "Trust"

On Friendship

                  "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford 

                   to be stupid with them." 

                                                                                 Ralph Waldo Emerson

How Much Love Lives In The Space Between You And Me?

If yesterday’s post was about emptying your cup, today's is about filling it: with appreciation, gratitude, trust, LOVE.
Like Merle and Ed.

Between You and Me, from Nic Askew 

Don’t compliment me please!

Last year I was working countless hours for many months on what I considered a very noble cause. Occasionally I would receive a compliment that would make me feel frustrated, sad and irritated. How can a compliment do that? Easy: I was skipping sleep and all kinds of self-care to get everything done, I was creating structures from scratch, being pro-active, resourceful and managing too many things at a time. When a potential problem could arise, I was immediately taking action forwarding the information to other partners, just to receive a plain feedback about a teeny tiny detail of the “unfortunate use” of an… adjective!

I was juggling tasks, deadlines, processes, people and problems with notable results and no acknowledgment. Oh, but I received a few compliments. And I got upset. And I was refusing to accept these compliments. Why?

The answer came with today’s class on Acknowledgment. Acknowledgement is about honoring someone by recognizing his or her accomplishment or something they’ve done that has made a significant difference. It is genuine, authentic and honest and it is purely about the other person, not our own preferences. 

By receiving occasional compliments (that by the way, had nothing to do with the results I was creating), I felt unseen and unappreciated.

You want to honor others? You want to show them that you appreciate and recognize them; that you value and respect their hard work? You want to have a positive impact to someone’s life and/or work?

Acknowledge them! Acknowledge the unique individuals they are and their achievements.

There is nothing as empowering as showing our gratitude and appreciation by the simple act of acknowledgment. 

Words Matter

Those who follow me on social media know my love for quotes. I have always found these short combinations of words wisely put together a great source of inspiration and insights.

I think of them as a very indicative trace that we live behind, indicative of our philosophy, believes, personality.

Although our existence is defined and characterized by our deeds, words matter. These tiny extracts of wisdom called quotes are just one more evidence of that.

In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz’s first agreement is 'Be impeccable with your words'. 

“Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

I must admit that whenever I am upset, angry or heart, I find it very difficult to keep that agreement. I must refrain from any re-action and ask myself: is my impulse to use my words to react to the situation and/or person in alignment with the first agreement?

A few days ago, just before the old year expired and we all welcomed the new one with celebrations, I received a message, a short reply, that could easily reduce me to tears. I remembered the second agreement: 'Don’t take anything personally', and I breathed. When the shock of the aggressive and mean reply had faded I reminded myself how my deeds were proving that message wrong. 

Finally I laughed.

Having this thing for quotes made me think that if those were the sender’s last words, her final quote for the year, it was a terrible thing for her. Who wants to be remembered with words used in the direction of resentment?

New awareness and insights:

1. Words matter, weather we like it or not. In Greek there is a saying "The tongue has no bones, yet it crushes bones". Use your tongue (words) to build something positive, something loving and meaningful, not to break.

2. What would happen if we all thought of our words as our last words, our quotes that would be left behind to remind to others who we were and what we were about?

The Four Agreements

Breaks and Guilt

Last spring I took a break. I took a long break for the whole three months.

I never know when to take a break, usually I collapse before I do that. Maybe because I hate breaks: break ups, break-downs, all kind of breaks.

This time was different: this time the break was exploration and – hopefully – discovery time driven by the determination to find an answer; before even the slightest break-down.

The challenge wasn’t easy: keep the faith to someone no matter what. The actual situation I was in is of no importance here. What is important is the journey that it caused. I started digging, searching and researching. I studied a lot, I listened a lot, I asked every person I trusted could give me the Answer. 

The path led me to Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. My intuition told me that there lied my answer and I finally asked my friend and colleague Giuseppe. My intuition was – once again – right. The answer was found!

Giuseppe in excitement asked me the “rhetorical” question “Aren’t you happy to discover NVC?” “No”, I said without hesitation. I felt extremely guilty because now I had gained new awareness of more mistakes that I had made. 

The more I know, the worse I feel for all the answers that I ignored at the time. For all the mistakes I made. Dealing with them and the remorse when they only affect ourselves is easy. What happens when they affect others or our relationships with them?

I was with this sweet and bitter sense of my discovery for weeks. One day talking with a friend I confessed the guilt the new knowledge had brought to me. She very calmly said “we are humans, we make mistakes, we grow, we move on. Nothing to feel guilty about”.

The lightbulb in my head switched on! I remembered the message I had recently written to a colleague:

“Oh... so much to learn... And so good to know that time will never be enough: we will never be bored learning J”

We are humans and we are in a constant development. We take actions, we dare to do things and we make mistakes. There will be people that will give us a break and will forgive us and there will be others that will not.

My lessons?

1.     Start loving breaks. They provide a space of growth and occasionally anticipate other breaks.

2.     Relationships with solid foundations or with another brave person rarely break.

3.     Mistakes are human. (Oh, no! I am human…)

Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life By (author) Marshall B. Rosenberg

Working It Out

Lately, problems (challenges, as we call them wickedly) have made my stress levels hit red. As a result my mind got engaged in a non-productive inner dialogue so I needed to urgently do something to shut the thing down. I immediately found an activity that keeps all irrelevant thoughts out: climbing! It worked perfectly. A couple of hours with only the worry of where and how to put your hands and feet. At some point the instructor suggested that I repeat something. I simply replied “No, I’ll pass; I am actually very lazy and avoid effort”. He looked at me surprised. All the people there go precisely to work hard on improving their climbing skills.

Later the same day I started thinking of an “old friend” if I can call him that. Our relationship was over because “it needed so much work”. So, I wondered. What is it that makes people work so hard training, sweating, spending hours challenging and improving their physical skills, but, when it comes to relationships “it’s too much work”?

I was lazy as an athlete too, and I never missed a good opportunity to skip training or part of it. I suspect this is the main reason I do almost everything well from the beginning. I am too lazy to practice again and again. On the other hand, when it comes to people and relationships, when it comes to my emotional / social skills, I never give up. I endure, I practice, I fight. And so I thought all people did. Until I heard that “it’s so much work”…

What is the criteria of what is worth working on and what is not? How can we so easily focus our efforts on something like climbing a wall or building the perfect fit body, but avoid any inconvenience to explore at least the potential of a relationship? What makes spending our energy on conquering that wall more important than spending it in making someone smile? And why is it considered an effort in the first place?

Even at bowling (another activity I tried for stopping the inner chatter), we have 10 shots for each game. The game is not decided by just one shot. Every player has the fair amount of 10 attempts. Yet in relationships and especially in love, most people won’t give more than one. Either you have a strike or you’re out of the game.

When is comes to relationships my endurance is endless and so are the shots I am willing to make. I take my chances, I make mistakes (too many I would say), I will not be able to have a strike from the beginning, but, hey, if I believe that it is worthy, if I see the potential, I am not lazy at all.