Regaining Integrity

“Can you restore your integrity and if yes, how?” was the first question I received after the previous post, followed by the second question “What does integrity mean to you?”

The first answer is easy: Yes.

Of course we can restore integrity, like, I believe, we can restore anything – with more or less effort. The "how" is directly connected with the second question: what is integrity actually?

The dictionary defines Integrity as the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. So, if we are honest and we have strong moral principles, we live a life of integrity, right?

Well, actually no. Having strong moral principles is one thing. Following them in all situations is another. Perhaps that is why I like the quotation “Integrity means that you are the same in public as you are in private.” This is the honesty that I appreciate.

Now back to the question of how it can be restored - just by making the decision and the commitment to be honest and to act in all situations according to our values and moral principles.

But that is not the problem. The real problem and challenge is whether we can restore what had been compromised when we lost our integrity: trust. You see, when we gamble with out integrity through the compromises we make which we think that are indispensible, there is an important collateral damage: losing the trust of others. Then, the question becomes if and how we restore trust.

Think personal, but think business too: what does it mean losing the trust of your partner, your friends, your peers, your clients,…

Bottom line is: never gamble with your integrity. The long-term losses are much higher that any temporary gain.

Choosing Who to Trust

Today was an interesting chain of 'trust happenings':

First, as part of the International Coaching Week’s celebrations, two pro bono sessions with people who trusted that I was the person to help them.

Followed by a call by someone who needed my assistance in a situation.

All three persons were unknown to me until this morning.

In the evening, a conversation with my nieces about honesty (and trust).

And finally, a class on the topic “Creating Trust” – oh, the coincidence!

In Charles Feltman’s book, "The Thin Book of Trust", he defines the four distinctions (assessments) of trust: 

1. Sincerity – “I mean what I say, say what I mean, and act accordingly.”
2. Reliability – “You can count on me to deliver what I promise!”
3. Competence – “I know I can do this. I don’t know if I can do that.”
4. Care – “We’re in this together.”

In each one of the above cases, the persons who trusted in me – even the students who showed up at the Trust class – have in one way or another assessed me in these four distinctions before being sure that I am the one (coach, trainer or aunt) that they can trust.

We all want to be in situations and relationships of abundant trust. That’s where we thrive, where we can be our authentic self, make our best decisions, take risks and evolve.

We want to have trust in our politicians, in our partners, in our bosses, in our family and friends. How about the trust that others can have in us?

And how about the trust that we have in ourselves?

The question I left my students with today was not only about steps to create or increase trust from the perspective of these four distinctions, but also about the steps and actions needed to maintain these, to maintain Trust.

What about you? How do you build trust? How do you maintain trust? 

Photo: Kevin Colton, from Ronen "Roni" Koresh's work "Trust"

Trust

I have a problem: I trust others easily. I have a strength: I can trust others. What is the fine line that defines when a characteristic is not longer a quality, but becomes a problem? How do I know how much trust is too much trust?

These last two weeks I was involved in some business transactions and as always I wasn’t very thorough with the details of the agreements. I trusted that the other side wouldn’t fool me. As you can see, I operate from this “every one is innocent until proven guilty” place. For me EVERYONE is trustworthy until proven otherwise.

Ok, on both occasions they were proven otherwise. They fooled me and I was really angry. Especially in the first instance, I was so angry I was about to call a friend who rarely trusts anyone and tell him “I wish I were more like you. This would never have happened to you!”

Then, the anger passed. I couldn’t give up trust and become a suspicious resentful me. What had I really lost? Some money? Big deal. I remembered my most important truth: giving up on trust carries more risks than being fooled. I may trust easily and maybe too much, but this brings me opportunities. It brings opportunities to others too. When I was working with children I trusted them to be more than the nasty, incompetent little brats the other teachers saw. I trusted they were smart, talented little treasures, and what do you know? They were!

Trust brings opportunities to my clients and to my friends. It brings me the opportunity to have a deeper connection with people, by simply trusting them.

Pat Obuchowski, a fellow coach, posted a couple of days ago her daily Mantra: “Want to build trust? Be more vulnerable.” Walter Anderson wrote that “We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” I say it takes courage to trust. Just like every time we let ourselves be vulnerable to others. And although the temptations and excuses to stop trusting are too many, the rewards of trusting are priceless. So, how do we skip the temptations? Maybe trust is like love. Having it is not enough; we need to keep feeding it so that it won’t fade.

I have a strength: I dare to trust others J

The Thin Book of Trust; An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work