Balancing Tolerance and Boundaries

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. (Brené Brown) 

Having gone through two very tough years and a few weeks of hell, I had one concern during a business meeting: not losing my tolerance.

Having followed through with all tasks and responsibilities without making any allowances for how I was or what was going on in my life, I feared I might lose tolerance for others and expect them to have no excuses or to push themselves  equally hard. Which seemed to me unfair on them to some extent.

But – there is a ‘but’ here – the question came: what about boundaries? Again, a matter of balance: being tolerant and at the same time keeping boundaries.

It is essential that we keep boundaries – of roles, responsibilities, what is expected and what is accepted – within this tolerance. Otherwise there is an abuse : of patience, of understanding, of compassion, of love.

This week is about the balance between tolerance and boundaries, honoring my values of respect, integrity and fairness.

Getting over the Drama

A couple of weeks ago, I asked a friend to stop me if I start talking about any life dramas. 

“It's not drama”, she said referring to a specific situation. “It's an outrageous situation you are in”, she added. 

It didn't matter. I was very much preoccupied and influenced by Lisa' s latest blog post. And I decided to stop any negative narrative, justified or not. 

Of course we need to be able to express and not repress our stories. bad or good. We need to receive empathy and understanding, or just vent. We need to articulate a situation if our goal is to find a way out. We must learn to express our feelings and emotions and the things that frustrate us. 

So, there must be a reason for us to tell the story and here is my point: why am I sharing this story?

What is the reason I narrate my 'drama'? What is the purpose of telling this story? And how many times do I need to do that?

My request to my friend was very simple: “Next time you hear me talk about this again, stop me and ask these two questions: ‘What can be done?’ and ‘What will you do?’”

I think that in most situations, in most dramas in our life, there is always something that can be done. The question here, in this post, is how we use our story. Does it become our past, an experience, a lesson, something that teaches us how to navigate through it, or does it become who we are and what ultimately defines how we show up in our lives?

The choice is ours.

A Break and Four Lessons

Halfway through July, I had to take a break from blogging.

I was not without inspiration or time. I had at least the same amount of available time as before. I had successfully completed 6 months of my project of daily blogging, I was half-way to my goal, and ideas kept flowing inside my head.

What happened then?

The very important priority of care (for oneself and others) happened. After overcoming the initial guilt of not following through with my commitment – a nightmare for someone who values integrity enormously – I decided to see the opportunity of what this situation was teaching me.

So, after the inspiring lessons of the first 31 days, here are my very useful lessons of a necessary break:

Lesson 1

We can do anything we decide to do.

One of the things we must consider though is the price, the sacrifices. What is the price of a certain commitment? What will we need to let go, neglect, or forget during that time? Is the outcome worth the price? 

Lesson 2 

Commitment and flexibility do not go hand in hand. 

Once we have committed to something we cannot afford flexibility. So before starting, before committing, examine how important flexibility is for you, what kind of flexibility you would like to have, and how you can adjust the commitment. 

Lesson 3

Habits do not last. At least not in my case.

Throughout my life I have had many different habits depending on the place where I was living, the work I was doing, the hobbies I had. None of them lasted. 

After 6 months of the daily habit of blogging, writing had not become an automatic behavior or routine. 

Lesson 4

Make self-care a priority.

It's ok not to do something if this contradicts self-care. In this case, it is not about flexibility, it is about sustainability.