Parachutes

For me the expression “falling in love” has a totally literal meaning, as this is what I do: I completely let myself fall. And not only in love but in all kinds of relationships. I throw myself into the job I am doing, into the new hobby, and into the new people in my life.

It goes with out saying that most of the times the landing is not as gentle as expected. Of course I crash and then I have to recover and then I fall again, and crash again, and the same over and over…

So, 2 years ago I said to my coach: “Listen, Nicole, I need to find my parachute. I cannot help falling, so at least I should have a parachute!” And that was my assignment for the next two years. Yep, it wasn’t so easy to find. In my quest, I went skydiving last year. I needed to see how it would feel physically to surrender completely – with the safety of the parachute – and at the same time tick one more things off my bucket list.

It was a dead end… After landing the frustration was great. It was so much fun until the parachute opened! So, no solution there. And so I kept searching and thinking.

Then, one morning I woke up and I emailed Nicole: “I got it!!! I know what my parachute is: ME! I am my parachute!” I think I was even more excited by my discovery than Archimedes when he run through the streets naked crying “Eureka!”.

I was my parachute. It was up to me not to crash. I had all the knowledge, the skills, the brains not to let myself crash again.

So, I thought. I forgot the willingness to use them or the spirit and the mentality to do so. You see, for me having any kind of relationship with anyone and anything, involves a level (a very high level) of trust, passion and surrender. I offer myself to whatever and whoever it may be. No reservations, no precautions, nothing. Fully open, honest, to any romantic, friendly or professional relationship. That means I found out with the first chance in practice that this parachute wasn’t working, because I was just not using it. Frustration and back to the quest.

Until last evening driving back home, fast as usual. My quest was over, I had found my answer: I didn’t need any parachute. I didn’t want any parachute.

No life can be lived with protections and precautions. At least no life as I perceive it. The parachute means fear. It feeds the fear. How can I experience everything that is there if I slow myself down? Why should I want to slow down in the first place? Falling is great. Falling is amazing. Falling is life. I fall because I decide to live my life and not hide from it. Because I choose to love even with the risk of being hurt. But, if I don’t let myself be exposed to this risk, how else shall I even have a chance for love?

Not everybody will love us, not everybody will catch us, not everybody will fall with us. But you know something? If they do, it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

After all, with the knowledge now of so many crashes, there is no bad landing. There is only learning and growing, once we decide to see beyond the pain. And that’s what I choose. 

Incompatible Dreams

Two days ago a friend of mine told me that not all dreams are compatible. That we can have, for example, two dreams that are totally incompatible one with another, and that is ok. Hearing that, both my mind and my spirit impulsively revolted at the idea.

Since I was a child, my dream was to live in a boat. As close to the sea as possible, yet attached to land and always ready to sail for any destination the wind should take me. Soon I became aware of another dream of mine: to have my own garden. Now that was an incompatible dream according to my friend. I obviously could not have a garden on my boat. So, what do I choose? Should I sacrifice one dream for the other?

The solution for me is easy. One day I would have my boat, my second home. I would live in a regular house, if lucky with my own garden, if not with a shared one and big verandas for my plants and then I would have my boat to spend as much time as possible, to sail away as possible.

To my understanding the solution is never giving up on one of the “incompatible” dreams. I do not believe in incompatible dreams in the first place. It is our perception that gives them this stamp. And once they are stamped as that, then it is ok not to pursue them anymore. If we say that what we dream of is incompatible, that’s what it is. If we say – as my father keeps telling me – that everything is possible, then no dream will be incompatible anymore. All it takes is to think outside of the box. To be more precise, other people’s boxes, those who “educate” us in what is compatible and what not. How much to dream and how much to pursue. What makes sense and what not.

I have many dreams. I have never stopped dreaming. Occasionally I catch myself doubting my strength to go after them; my ability to achieve them; my worthiness to live them. I may question my self, but I have never questioned my dreams or the possibility that they are all compatible, no matter how contradictory they sound.

 George Bernard Shaw wrote:

“You see things; and you say ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’”

It is the fact that some dreams have never been combined to the understanding of people that makes them seem incompatible. Our world is full of great things that never were until someone came and acted from that “why not?” point of view.

Funnily enough, the dreams that were torturing my friend, were the exact dreams that another man I know is living. Ok, with a lot of help from his soul mate, who also never saw them as incompatible.  Maybe, all it takes is to ignore what we have been taught to be compatible and expected. Maybe all it takes is to find the other soul that will partner with our dreams. 

I will keep with my own dreams. I never judge them, criticize or approve them as unrealistic, unachievable, or incompatible one with another. I just accept them as they are. After all they are my dreams and they only need to make sense to me.